Hemi Sync Gateway Expereince Returns

From two days ago I have had the urge to listen to the Hemi Sync Gateway Experience. Yesterday listened to focus 10 track, interestingly despite not relaxing deeply and doing the resonant tuning exercise vocally there were instant energy wave sensations, lower abdomen digestive system was definitely doing something. Legs arms tingled, major goosebumps present. There were sudden jolts, its like the audio signals are more effective than before or I am simply more tuned into the waves of energy. Perhaps over time I have become 'sensitive'. As a result I woke up at 4am, has happened many times with hemi sync. When I woke up there was major fluttering around peripheral vision which was something that became permanent from Salvia use and for a while it was mild until this morning. This morning I felt I could go into a Salvia trip without using the herb and I am not looking forward to that happening randomly feeling that that is what is in store for me, I could only imagine myself ending up in an institution.

Will continue with the program.

Some New Years Eve Rambling

Only a few hours left till 2013 and here I am with a new blog post. Times have changed and with that so has my personality. I don't really want to write about the changes but I think I'm either going on some ego trip or something, but I don't judge it and allow those parts to just come out. On some rare occasions I would actually notice how drastically I have changed. Not all changes are bad - I definitely feel more confident in general - I can take on whatever is thrown at me.

I've already mapped out the next two years of my life which as always is subject to change. I have placed myself on a path which helps me to realize a very important goal - the goal is really a vision, a dream and it is something similar to what can be found in the Ringing Cedars Series by Vladimir Megre. In a nut shell I am trying to set up an eco village but that label is so small to how big and expansive the vision really is. Right now I am on funding and planning mode. I think this has to be the most significant change taking place within - previously I was drawn to mystical spiritual aspects, dabbling in astral projections and meditation and all that - now I am more earth oriented. The spiritual aspect is always there but mixed with a dab of earthliness.

This blog will continue to be mostly focused on metaphysical spiritual elements but from time to time I may update progress of my dream of an eco village.

I feel that the society you and I live in is deeply flawed but there are people who all over the world see this and  are making real lasting changes which benefit mankind and the planet. Initially my plan was to completely remove myself from the 'system' and withdraw into the nature that already existed, but clearly it's not enough and once again not only must I remain but I have to become a part of that system. I seem to be called to something much bigger. I hope that in 2013 everyone moves closer to their true calling.

I wish everyone, every little bug, every animal, creatures of all kinds, entities, spirits, ghosts, aliens, star people, indigos, faeries, pleiadians, nature, every atom down to the minutest cell and all of the Universe a very very very Happy New Year!

Sexual Predator

Since recent salvia session, experiences of a sexual nature are increasing. This morning was disturbing and I won't go into too much detail as it is far too personal. I woke up early about 4 or 5 am and could not sleep until much later slowly relaxed. Initially it started off with me becoming aware of a change in scenery. I was in a room but not my bedroom, a dark living room maybe. A man appears and I seem to know him - he tells me agitatedly why I made him speak English, why I have given him language - odd...

I was irritated by his presence and got a very sexual predatory vibe from. Told him to go away that he is not wanted here. Just when I think he's left he has actually gotten closer and from there everything else was sexual. It felt way too real, when I opened eyes I breathed a sigh of relief.

Sleepless Night and a Sexual Awakening

Could not sleep at all last night - I think it was from 4am - still pitch black outside. There was a glimmering star and for a while I stared at it. Eventually by 6am tried to relax and slowly dozed off only to be alerted to a change in my room - a kind of false awakening. Then I lifted up what seemed to be made up legs. They were made up because they were not solid but almost cartoonish and when I imagined them to be lifted up they'd raise up. Same with the arms. Then I felt a presence, it seemed to be hugging me, wrapping itself around me and all of a sudden there was sexual intercourse and I thought perhaps it's an incubus but beyond that I was too aroused. I recall making sounds and saying something then worrying if anyone can hear me.

This has happened before and I do wonder what this other presence is. A creation of the mind? Some say there's a Beloved - and I still question all of that despite having felt it. My mood has been very bad lately and I wonder if that has anything to do with it plus I used Salvia other day perhaps I opened a kind of portal that allowed this energy to be present. There is another thing that occurred from yesterday, if I am quiet and relaxed enough faces form within closed eyes but they are not images in the mind think of it as faces carved within the actual flesh of the eyes - they are a part of what I perceive as the flesh of my body.

Die-Off Dreams

I am going through a major parasite die off period once again much like last year. With this experience I've come to understand dreams or should I say nightmares that are just plain whacky and I think are associated with body and mind healing.

As of recently dreams are first of all are being recalled since prior to this I feel there was nothing occurring during sleep time.

Anyways this morning I had an unpleasant dream, where my rage was uncontainable. Just at moment when I woke up my teeth was clenched hard but no pressure. I was concerned thinking I must've chipped my teeth real bad from all that pressure.

It also happens that last night there was a generation of parasites exiting and I think there's no need to share in which direction they left. I have also been super hungry lately constantly eating whatever I could shove in my mouth with great ease, in particular I crave lots of fat. Fortunately not fried fats but raw healthy fats, egg yolks, cheese, pistachios, coconut, ghee(usually this fat is a last resort if there's no other fat). It seems that suddenly overnight my appetite has gone bonkers. Another rather odd symptom is I just want to lay down all day long, being still doing nothing unless my appetite is calling me. All I want to do is not do anything, at least nothing physical. On some occasions I have felt like dancing but it's not how it used to be, can't describe it. Nothing to do with lack of energy, the energy is there it seems it wants to be reserved for something else.

Last night however I had a sudden what I would call 'sleeping spell'. I was falling asleep rather too quickly, head just nodding off. Not due to exhaustion as that would have come on gradually, this was sudden and taking effect instantly.

When I woke up from todays whacky dream, there was that fluttering all around me in the darkness and feeling aroused.

Haven't started the fasting phase just yet.

Wolf-Bird

Dream starts off with me near garden door. Open door sense an animal nearby. See the most beautiful looking wolf staring back. Some fear mounts as I approach it but the wolf seems more afraid of me. I try to call it forward all the while scared, it slows down a little and approaches slowly carefully standing quietly. Face to face I see clearly now that the wolf is part bird with a peculiar beak – very sharp and dangerous looking. This creature, so beautiful yet scary at the same time. I stroke the beak with some bravery. It has formed some kind of attachment to me and this seems to bother me since I am still a little afraid. What in case it suddenly attacks me out of nowhere, animals have been known to suddenly go wild. It acts a lot more gentle and calm but I think perhaps I should just whack its beak – it will get scared and run off. Dream sequence changes, I have a feather that belongs to the wolf-bird – orangish brown tints and fluffy unlike any feather. I show it to friends and tell them about the amazing magical creature I met in the garden.

The Kid Bus Driver

In this dream I'm on a bus- kid driving, ask others do you want a kid to drive you about town. I'm pissed off and get other people to realize the dangers of a kid driving. 

Fading out

Last night I was in a mode of complete appreciation, expressing my gratitude to the universe. I felt peace, harmony and a deep love for all. Somewhere in appreciation I asked the Universe to help me with certain abilities I was aware of in Salvia states - namely projecting into the reality around me. This sudden outburst of joyful gratitude may have also caused the snake dream.

After the snake flames dream around  4ish am I relaxed and soon was aware of AP state. Body rotates counterclockwise to the right side of room in the corner. Body shifts downwards, slight blindness. Remain relaxed and silent. Suddenly I'm floating upwards and there is this sense of looking down. I see the rows of houses that look very toylike. There is the feel of a fading away, electrical glitch like. Each house starts to disappear and I know this is the ending process so that something very new was about to form or take place - the reality that I was seeing was like a computer game simulation. I was calmly waiting for it and recall is little hazy here - after this the only thing I recall is feeling and hearing the breathing in my physical body - surprised that it was still very alert, not quite in sleep mode. There was that orgasm type massage in centre of forehead.

Snake Flames

A snake dream must share. First in the dream I am accompanied by my niece who seems older. She is cooking a meat dish and I remind her that I don't eat meat. She then cooks a big dense pancake and I try to find the words to politely tell her I also do not eat crap. Suddenly a cousin shows up, she wants a dustpan and the scene evolves to me finding a quirky looking tall dustpan that comes with a plastic translucent shield. Her sister then shows up, in the kitchen she places a snake on the stove and starts the fire. I move away afraid of the snake knowing it will come after me.

The snake seems to be taking long to burn off, somehow appears resistant to fire. As the fear mounts that this snake is after me some part of me really wants the snake to hurry up and die. Suddenly snake falls to ground unhurt - I hide quickly. It is going up a flight of stairs where cousin who was handling the snake picks it up to put it back on. It escapes and finds me - fortunately I wake up at this stage. Only a short while later I feel next time to surrender - I know the message of the snake and especially when it is associated with fire is significant in relation to kundalini awakening.

Dreams and Morning Company

In the dream I'm in a forest but think it to be my garden. I see a brown squirrel - in reality I was reading an article yesterday about how the brown squirrel is rare in Britain and the greys are disliked by most gardeners. The squirrel is so adorable, I got closer unlike in reality this squirrel isn't running away. I stroke it gently but manages to squirm away.

Moving along there's a pear tree and my eldest sister is suddenly present. I tell her we should harvest the pears - in reality there's a wild pear tree I walk by often and just yesterday checked that the seasonable food this month are pears. In the dream the pears are unusually large, I grab one realizing it's rotting. Suddenly notice a spider crawling and it gets on my hand. I throw the pear trying to shake of the spider which is a tan colour. It keeps pulling itself up on me through its web. I am lying down on the ground trying to shake it off but it seems persistent.

Have looked into totem symbology and honestly I am not sure if the messages have any significance anymore. It seems any totem can apply to me at any time and correlate with life circumstance.

I woke up from the spider dream relieved at about 4am. When I opened eyes visual of dark shadows around eyes and internal shaking. Empty bladder and an hour later try to fall asleep.

I am suddenly aware of the physical body and feel a thumping in root area which feels like sexual intercourse. I seem to have enough control to not let the sensations overtake me or release the energy. I find myself suddenly conjuring up a song, making up the words in Hindi and perhaps English as well. I was in awe with the song and the melody, creating it in that moment. Dozed off and when I opened eyes felt groggy like I could sleep forever yet there was some sexual arousal still present.

The Death Chronicle

For the next Salvia session I plan to fast for a week. Fasting for a week without food and only liquids will be quite a mission but I intend to do it, besides it frees me from the burden of having to prep meals everyday and I think I seriously need a detox especially after the damage I've caused today. I might do a papaya cleanse.

Anyways the point is the clearer the 'passageways' are within the physical body the easier the Salvia ride. I have noticed my earlier Salvia session were far more interesting and were slowly building up to climax and once they reached that point it felt like things were going downhill. I have been losing interest not wanting to phase out to those states.

I actually want to go back to those earlier adventures, those interesting little ones that to me were friends and then the other friend who seemed to be experimenting on physical body. I guess I would like to perceive them again and explore.

I know the issue with the newer experiences is that 'they' know that I'm about to arrive in that other world (which is basically this world in another format) and when I do it often feels like they have been waiting from my last session and it would carry off from that point. In the earlier experiences no beings knew about this, most of the others would often carry a shocked expression. This is why going into the inner worlds have been so difficult since I'm so stuck here with these guys.

I do still go through the death process in those sessions, maybe I'm wrong about the others considering them to be a nuisance since I do recall in a recent experience where the life process here was ending and I stopped it because of that 'there is still so much left to do' feeling which I'm sure all dying people go through.

I know that wherever life is calling me to I need to die before I actually physically die to get there - So I need to decide and act as if my days are numbered (which when I think it about it they actually are). I need to make the necessary arrangements (sorting out wills and last wishes and all that), then leaving behind possessions and all earthly concerns and get to that place because that is the only way I know how to get there, being without a thing not only externally but internally. It is easier to give up all the external things, but the content of the mind is the hardest to let go since it seems to play out all by itself. All my attachments will be let go of one by one (and I have many so this could take years).

Lets just say I'm getting in the role of a dying person, as an example I am a cancer patient and my condition is terminal meaning no hope for survival. So from today slowly slowly I will have nothing left, no possessions of any kind, mental and material. I will be documenting this process as I go along. I do wonder does it really have to be a process, why not let go of all of it in this moment? Will be pondering this question.

Cardiac Ward

Dream

I am in the hospital, one of my brother has been admitted for a cardiac procedure. I recall being in a similar ward when I had to go with my dad for his angioplasty, this time I sense brother is having same procedure. He has eaten a piece of bread forgetting that food was not allowed until after the procedure. And for the next few moments I stress about this, thinking maybe we shouldn't tell the doctors.

To my right there is another bed with a woman lying down next to a very frail fragile looking skinny man. I gather the man is her father. He has a very Indian look although Caucasian. She tells me about him, how he is vegetarian and very spiritual. I feel the urge to put my palms together and greet him with a namaste. He has a heart condition and in my awareness is filled with the ideas that fatty foods can be lethal for skinny people and that somehow applies to me. Although I have been eating healthier fats I need to seriously cut down on the dose. On very rare family occasions I spiral downwards and end up doing a lot of emotional eating ven reaching out for bad fats.
Lately my appetite has increased so much and I feel it may be due to some kind of stress. I have been feeling low and I need to try to understand why and just get to the bottom of it.

Rib Pain and In the Song

Last night did a quick nasal cleanse with neti pot and had an unusual craving for cheese and pickled onions which was bad because the pickles had preservatives that I am trying to avoid seeing it in the refrigerator triggered craving, maybe even feeling a bit down. A short while later I had the most incredible pain around reproductive organs and more lower down, felt like everything inside was being twisted. Off to bed I went at around 11. I am in the SP state and it is dark but I think its early morning as they are more common during those hours. I panic lifting my right arm, I can see the movement in right hand and fingers as I try to get attention from a family member whom I see in the room. At one point I feel they have approached me. I'm amazed right now as I look back how afraid I felt being in that state, perhpas because it has been a long time and now to suddenly be in that state was a bit of a shock. The feeling of presence lingering nearby did not help. I was making weird crying sounds, I was delirious and when I felt sister approaching I wished she hadn't realizing the state would pass and was making myself look like an idiot.

Something else was there, there was a plunge in the chest and my ribs hurt as if they were being pulled apart. I begged them to stop, the pain was too much. Soon lost awareness of pain and ended up being sucked in deep in a kind of music world. In this music arena I was being sung through, I can't remember the words but I remember trying to put in some of my input which actually was spoiling the original song. Cannot recall words clearly but it was definitely a hindi song. Suddenly eyes opened, gasped for some air and I was in my bed. I thought it might be about 4 or 5am, was a little shocked when the phone showed 1:50 am. I was even more surprised with my attitude in the experience. I guess it wasn't so much the fear but the sudden shock of the experience. These types of experiences have not happened for quite some time. Perhaps the pain around the chest in the ribs is a sign of things to come.

The other day when communicating with the 'other' energy I gave permission for a clearer opening pretty much asking whether I could be in the background and just go to sleep while it was in the foreground which might have been incredibly dumb of me. At the time I was exhuasted, fed up of existence.

I do feel though whatever is there has no intention of causing harm and pretty much leave it at that until I feel otherwise.

Back to sleep with endless frames of vivid almost lucid dreams. Tailbone thumping with greater force, sexual arousals have once again amped up. In the morning the pain around reproductive organs disappeared.

The Shadow in the Body

Woke up around 3ish am, feeling rejuvinated but annoyed and concerned over something that may seem petty now and it was on my mind all night.

Had UT drink, I was surprised to see almost an entire glass filled up. Too much energy after that and I guess I was wasting it on feeling angry and playing out scenarios in my head. Went back to bed in a dreaded state thinking sleep may never arrive and end the misery.

Eventually around 6 am did start to relax. Head vibrations, orgasmic electric sensation near third eye region. Eyes closed all black but there was the sense of transitioning. As I attempted to open eyes they felt tight and heavy. Room was different - trying to recall how everything was and I realized that my bed and the body on it was shifted to the right side of the room. Soon I noticed that it wasn't the change in the room but somewhere in the brain, the changes were made to eyes so that it sees differently according to whatever pattern whoever or whatever was occupying had assumed within the body. I sensed this other there. I lifted arms and they were interchanging between physical body to a silhoutte body, shadow like. It was wrapping itself with the physical body. I felt it to be seperate individual yet a part of the body. The shadow seems to have more control than in other times.

Sensing other beings in the edges of the room. No major fear present, in fact I was curious and interested. Other things happening within or through the brain. It was tuning into music, calming and melodious. Some singing but can't remember words. Listening to music like this is so amazing, to not just hear it by external means but to be a part of it, whole and complete.

There were some sexual arousal taking place. Soon enough I just wanted to sleep feeling exhausted from this event. Had to get up 7:30am but really needed the extra sleep. Strangely though after this time when I got up I was not tired but now feeling maybe an hour or so of napping or just relaxing is all I need to feel balanced.

Earlier asked 'it' which I think I should perhaps refer to as some kind of energy whether it was behind this incident, answers were basically lots of head swaying and rotating movements. The feeling of being pumped with helium is intensifying - mostly in the head and it feels like it can detach at anytime and float away. Body constantly bouncing with this air.

Girl Cliff Hanging

Yesterday I asked that being, presence ( still not sure what to call it ) to come through in the dreams.

The dream was incredibly vivid, very life like. There is a girl in red with her parents near a cliff. The girl is at the edge, she says  'Daddy I'm gonna jump'.

She jumps, her parents in shock looking down stretching arms down trying or hoping they can save her. The girl is floating with the pull of the wind much like a leaf. She hangs on to the rocky parts. Her movements are swift. As I watch this I think 'What a clever little girl'. I'm astounded how carefully she holds onto the rocks, moving along swiftly without fear. She finally sits in a small cave area waiting for her parents to get to her, when they finally do I notice above this cave are other cave with pointed icicle shaped rocks hanging down. Danger was imminent. But deep behind the icicles, hiding and lurking in the dark was what I percieved as a serial killer. I woke up, brain vibrating, physically actually shaking about inside. My body was lifted or it was doing something but being aware of it it was put back to a normal position.

Something was definitely occuring within the body, not sure what. At first glance the dream seems to be saying 'there's something sinister lurking in the dark'. However not sure the dream has any significance, could have simply been placed there to initiate fear response.

I am however more concerned about the effect this is all taking on the physical body, I think that at the moment that these vivid fear inducing dreams take place something happens to the physical body, either it reacts or is cleansing something deeper?

I have asked questions regarding the dream and answers are confusing - head swaying, rotating or stretching back - so no straight forward yes or no.

Open for Communication

Monday afternoon I sat down in front of the mirror allowing the swaying of the head and other involuntary movements. A thought occured 'Why don't I try to question this movement?'

As I thought this body was silencing. I asked whatever presence was there whether it was open to communication, there was a nod in the affirmative. It was very slow almost as if 'it' was trying to be as gentle as possible. I continued asking yes and no questions. The following questions were not asked in the order that they are written and not all questions are included.


Are you good? Yes
Are you evil? No
Are you within the body? Head spins
Do you have control over the body? Yes
Do you have complete control over the body? No
Have you always been here? No
Are you a discarnate spirit? Yes
Do you have good intentions? Yes
Are you beloved? Yes
Are you male?Yes
Are you female? No
In what country did you have your physical existence? (skimming around continents until nodded in affirmative for somewhere in South Asia.
Are the physical movements part of a healing process? Yes
Are you telling me what I want to hear? No
Can I write about you on my blog? No - this question was asked several times until finally I got a yes.

Sensing some confusions over some answers I asked if there were more than one  - the answer was yes.

Briefly when I sat quiet with no questions, my head was leaning forward ever so slowly and carefully watching over the chair looking down at the carpet. It felt like whatever this was was getting comfortable.

Can you see through the physical eyes? Yes
Can I trust you? Yes
Can you manipulate my dreams and come through them? Yes

Sitting there asking so many questions I felt this being knew too much about me and also I gathered that it liked all that I liked and disliked all that I disliked, what if I was simply talking to myself, or some unconscious part that had awakened.

Are you me? Head spins - and for other questions the head would rotate a new response - not yet certain. It could mean 'I don't know', 'I can't say' or still simply gathering answer.
Are you aware of Him ( referring to that most powerful dangerous presence in whose embrace in one incident I almost completely dissolved physical reality and was so close to something far beyond unknown ) ? Yes
Do you know Him? I can't recall the answer
Did He send you? No
Is He here? No - this answer confused me as I expected a yes
Each time that I thought of The Presence and even now as I relay this , eyes swell up with tears and a massive knot forms in the throat.

Left cheek muscles would tingle and there were some pressure there and sense of being touched was there. I asked if it wanted to play and got a yes.

I stopped session and went downstairs for a bit where my brothers annoying cat would go on meowing as she always does. In the bathroom I asked whether 'it' liked the cat, got a 'no' to which I replied 'Good, coz neither do I, but of course you already knew that.'

Do you know the nature of reality? Yes
Can you share it with me?  Head Spin
My questions seem unimportant, completely irrelevant.

At times my head would go back bending my neck, an indication to lie down. Tried meditating but I simply end up getting lost in an array of thoughts or if I'm lucky brief few minutes nap which are more like blanking out for brief moments.

Night times have been pretty difficult for me lately and I gather what is occuring at this stage is parasite die off - extreme amounts of pinworm exit I mean it is like something out of a horror movie. I am almost completely certain this is a die off and other things are coming out  (sorry for being too graphic), as in the past I have had pinworm symptoms ( itchiness, chronic fatigue, mood swings etc) just had no idea that I had pinworms. Sometimes the moodiness had heightened lately but in general I do not get tired however most times I just don't feel like doing anything - doing nothing feels peaceful for the body at times. Also I get drawn to specific types of food, recently I was drawn to papaya started reading about the fruit and found that it is cleansing so started taking fruit and seeds for 5 days and on first day I saw some red tomato skin looking things come out but have not eaten tomatoes in ages - I read that it could be liver flukes.

As for personality, it would seem I am a host to all kinds of parasites as well as all kinds of qualities but lately I have been changing in ways that as I observe how I am and compare to how I was one would think my power chakra was overactive. Already I have been called bossy since this change and I have even noticed I can be controlling. I've dialled it down a bit, not getting too involved with others since that is when problems arise. It feels that those around me were attached to me through metaphoric chains and everytime they tug, it causes me harm - seeing this I snapped each chain off. I only seem to have one mantra now 'Me, me, me, me' or 'I, I, I' depending on whatever I'm in the mood for. I never take shit from others as I once did, and previously I would be concerned with others wellbeing guiding them, trying to help especially those around me and now...

I have been thinking that there is one word that can describe every quality that makes up what one might call my personality or my character: carefree.

SP experience, Latest Dreams, Body Detox

The Shadow Legs and Morphed Room
Woke up yesterday morning in a somewhat SP kind of state. Suddenly physical legs fly up and connect with shadow black legs. Concerned, I had this feeling of being 'occupied' by another. This other, being or entity was now having any experience I would be having. I was afraid that this other can now control my movement. The feeling is faintly still here as I type. It is not eerie but I just know something is there. After shadow connected with what seemed physical body awareness snapped into room only I knew legs were under duvet so there was no way it sprinted up and I felt perhaps happened was my imagination. It happened one more time and the feeling of a presence nearby was there. Room morphed back and forth.

The Bee /Wasp
This morning had an interesting dream - these interesting dreams are waking me up lately, now I wake around 4-5 am. In the dream I am walking down the stairs and a bee or a wasp lands on my bare leg. My brother is at the bottom of the stairs and I could sense he wants to smack it dead. I raise my arms warning him not to as it would sting me, however I start to sense a sinister vibe coming from him as if his intention is so that it stings me.

I woke up suddenly at 4:30am hearing a loud knock feeling a tad bit scared of the dark. If someone had indeed knocked that loud someone else would also have heard it.
 The other day in physical reality I was in the garden and a yellow jacket landed on my leg. It tickled as it started to wriggle its legs. I stood still mostly because I didn't want to scare it, amazed at the little creature and was astonished that I didn't jump or scream, normally these critters scare the life out of me. Perhaps spending time out in nature and in the garden is making me comfortable around any living creatures.

Detox of Body
I think I am having those anxiety issues again, this is the only way that I can translate these phenomenas (eg. loud knocking, lights etc) whereas before when they first occured it was all rather mystical. However now I see clearly that these phenomenas have to do with body detox, the only evidence I have are anecdotes from those who go through raw food diet and eventually have these mystical experiences. Obviously it eventually happens to others who meditate regularly. I have read of an account regarding involuntary movements, will link to it if I find it. This person had meditated regularly, eventually in one meditation the body started to move involuntarily, sometimes swaying and eventually making specific controlled movements. The person was convinced that the body was healing itself. I too am convinced that this physical body is going through the same process. Some inherent ability where the body itself is awake and functions according to the needs of the body. In my case I am still somewhat stressed out and need to relax. I know deep down I cannot do that unless outwardly I make some changes and the changes that I make are very likely to effect others. Krishnamurti gave importance to the inward transformation, and I wonder can I do that whilst living chaotically outwardly as I am now and be in peace and harmony without changing the outward?

Nightmares and Bodily Changes

Family gatherings make me physically and emotionally drained, fortunately it is not as bad as it used to be due to some changes. Generally I don't do too well in a crowded environment. I don't think it has to do with the number of people I am around but the kind of people I am around. I wonder maybe it is that I have become far too sensitive that with this new found sensitivity I am seeing too deeply into others around me and often I allow it to influence certain emotions. Due to recent stress I have given into bad eating habits. I feel this stress may never end - the same stress in a different guise will eventually apear.

For a while I have had copious amounts of pinworms appearing suddenly and according to what I read about detoxing, sudden onset of pinworm activity is often a sign of parasite die off. They also look to be getting weaker. Lately I feel something has been stuck in my throat and many times I have awoken middle of the night feeling as though I choked in my sleep. My sister has told me that last night she heard me snore which is something that stopped for a long time until recently when I actually heard myself snore. Also she heard me chewing as though I were eating make sucking sounds and warned me that maybe I'm doing that 'teeth grinding' thing I do in my sleep but I think it may be something a little different - only the body at this stage knows what its doing. A tooth pains in the back when chewing food which may be from experimenting eating mahonias - bad idea some were too sour and one actually caused a bad reaction I thought my teeth were just about to fall out. The pain is slowly wearing off. Just to be on the safe side I need to start wearing mouth guard.

The body still moves involuntarily and I have given it some more time to carry out the movements. At the moment movement is focused on head region and neck area - sometimes body wants to arch backwards and when the arching is too far back my neck and spine hurt - I never allow the movement to force or push itself to the point where I feel some damage can occur. The head swaying is pleasant and sometimes there is a rush of sensational passionate feelings. Last night before I went to sleep the pressure was on the physical body, there was a throbbing and the entire feeling was of two bodies connecting. Did not let the sexual intensity take over, observed and somehow fell asleep.


Resident Evil Boss Nightmare
Last night I had a dream where I was in a resident evil game, me and another player are killing a boss - the giant boss is walking towards us around a circular platform with slow but long scary strides and I recall pointing the gun at the boss but the damage is minimal. There is a car that at times seems to be circling around us and I get the thought 'I have to shoot the car and cause an explosion as soon as the boss is in close proximity.' Something goes wrong and the burning car is flung at me and the other player and I know it is about to be game over but there's no fear - I know there's gonna be another round. It was at this point I woke up. Still dark out, I felt the time might be 4 or 5 am but it was just after midnight.

Shocking Cat Nightmare
Lately nightmarish dreams are very vivid and I wake from them at this time. In another nightmare I recall  being in some kind of maze with walls and ceilings. Felt trapped. My brothers cat is running around this maze, it looked scary and very disturbing almost as if it were electrocuted some kind of grusomeness forming from cat targeting me. I also had someone in my arms, recollection of this is hazy but it was either my eldest sister who was here for the hols or my nephew. I was holding the person trying to soothe and comfort all the while myself suffering the shock from the beastly cat. I had this feeling of being some kind of compartment, that my body was mechanical and it needed to go through a certain mechanical operation and I was dreading it. The two people in the dream whether it was my sister or nephew may be symbolic of stress because that is their current condition in physical waking life.

Body Energy Movement

From a few days ago I made time for that energy which has some control over bodily movement.

It seems to move with more ease, in fact right now it is spinning my head, unwinding or unlocking neck area joints.

I have and sometimes still do have concern whether I am right about this being an energy or some illness. It is an involuntary movement. Every evidence seems to point in the fact that it is a form of intelligent 'energy' and my guess is it is healing, the whole movement is a detox process. I just need to give it more time. The other day when I did give it more time there was a lot of clicking near neck and back of neck at tip of spine. Sometimes it had moved head back with such force I feared spine snapping.

In the mornings upon waking up I can sense that there was a lot of movement in head region, eyes do that Salvia type fluttering, not the physical eye itself but something within projecting outwards.

I have been reading a lot of Krishnamurti text for some time now. The other day whilst resting in bed I observed thought process and there was some change occurring which I can't fully describe but also could not hold on to, I ended up dozing off and when eyes opened fluttering was much more vigorous.

Ramadan Fasting and Bodily Movements

Ramadan starts tomorrow, and though I don't practice Islam I sometimes do follow the fasting period. In the past I have noticed how beneficial the Ramadan fasting can be to my overall health so this year my intention is to keep every single fast. It is tough since you are not allowed even a drop of your own saliva from dawn to sunset.

Lately, I have been doing some 'emotional' eating where I've been snacking on lots of crap to fill up some kind of miserable emptiness eating away at me. So now I just want to clean up the mess I've just made and it's about time because I am starting to feel the repercussions from my latest bad eating habits.

Rather than suppress these crazy emotions I need to start facing them, observe and try to understand where they are coming from and why.

Ramadan feels like a relief, just the one meal a day which will be sprouts salad, and then early morning UT drink, wheatgrass juice and sole drink not always 3 types. I also intend to drink nut milks which are quite yummy. When I do the emotional eating I know I'm very much aware that there is emotional imbalance but not sure how to deal with it and I give in to the flavours. I've cut down on the chocolate dramatically but ended up replacing with even worse foods such as bombay mix and tons of peanuts which is just terrible. Fortunately my body is in disagreement with these foods so I'm just starting once again listening to it very carefully especially when my teeth decide to take a bite out of my tongue.

Body has been behaving strangely lately, the energy is more fluid seeming to have more control over body. The other day I leaned over a pot in the garden reaching out I lifted up my right leg only slightly and suddenly leg just gave out and I almost fell flat on my face on granite along with that a tray of my seedlings fell out upside down  - fortunately they survived the accident, I love that plants are so resilient. I was so angry at myself and soon I was asking myself 'why? why would you that?'

Yesterday morning I did the headstand as part of my morning ritual and as I flipped legs onto wall, without warning legs swung out to right as if by another force and I ended up slamming onto floor towards the right side. When I breathe in deeply my head does a lot of swaying almost dancing which I like this actually makes me feel very relaxed, the more deeper the breathing the more intense the movement. When I remain still and observe there is a light swaying and if I surrender to these body movements body moves in different ways and directions.

I do get paranoid about these things sometimes and other times I am concerned about my sanity. I think one of my craziest theories so far is that some kind of parasite, and by parasite I don't mean an invisible evil entity, I mean an actual wriggling worm has got into my brain and has taken over partial control over my bodily movements - my more rational diagnosis is that I'm having some kind of nervous system meltdown and my body is simply reacting. Then there's kundalini and I'd like to very much think that it is this process but I'm starting to doubt everything. Perhaps for now it is best to stick with 'it is what it is'.

Sungazing Efforts and latest updates

Lately here in the UK the weather pattern has been pretty strange. It is always cloudy and in rare moments they clear up and then recolonize. A cloudy UK is not unusual but only in the summer, this summer is warm but very cloudy. The clouds are getting denser, it is dark and there's an air of misery. Constantly raining and all these factors have put me off with any effort to sun gaze.

I have been feeling pretty miserable lately, not entirely due to weather but current situations, home life and all that piling up. I find myself giving in to emotional eating and not giving a shit about anything. One time during emotional eating something bit hard into my tongue almost puncturing it, this something has done this before and I didn't bother heeding to its stop sign. Carried on emotionally eating. I feel I am just getting increasingly depressed. I don't know if it is because everything I plan just gets flushed down the toilet, so I have decided no more planning - this reminds me of a song...

Today late in the afternoon I was just fed up with the usual daily scene, being around people who agitated me and fed up with myself for not doing anything about it I climbed into bed without a single care for anything. I thought to myself that I could be in the midst of a storm or a whipping tornado and it wouldn't phase me.

Closed eyes and mind was emptying, body would snap and jerk. My head shaked and jerked about, nodding left right, up and down. As usual the movements were startling but this time they were incredibly forced almost as if whatever is making these movements has more control. I started to see and feel wormy movements what seemed to be inside my head. Then there was some paranoid type worry 'what if these things are parasites in my head?'

Despite the sudden worry thought did not care much and let whatever 'it' was be and slept it off.

Anxious To Leave

This nightmare did not start off quite as horrific as it ended. I was at a reunion - people I knew from primary school and secondary school were present. I remember trying to put names to the faces. Friends from secondary school were all celebrating my birthday, there was chocolate cake and I swiftly grabbed myself a slice. Then I got a vibe from the friend who set up the party did not want us to eat the cake - it was just for show and she needs to reuse it for her brothers birthday. Walked off trying to remember the names of other friends. This dream was incredibly vivid.

There were some other interesting dreams, where I am being each thing around me. Lately I have been reading some Krishnamurti quotes and a very interesting one where Krishnamurti describes the oneness feeling in his words. I thought about it deeply and the same ideas played out in this dream.

I somehow ended up lying down in some kind of glass framed room in the woods. I see there are some hooligan type groups walking by, and I am startled and scared. There is that terrible sense of fear with impending doom. I know I will be attacked and think if only I had a gun I could just get it out and it would be enough to scare them  away - the way I'm thinking this thought is as if I am scripting out the scene.

The fear factor changes to something incredibly intense and unbearable, a fear of something that makes death appear more welcoming. There's something invisible, very dangerous so much that I forget the hooligans outside as if they no longer exist.I hear this invisible presence communicate with a thought loop 'Please stay with me, be with me - stay with me, be with me - stay with me, be with me'. The feeling I'm getting from it I can only describe as nightmarish. Heart palpitating and I think I might faint to death. As I try to crawl out it becomes more persistent. I slip out of its grip but not yet sure, there in my dark room, heart still palpitating, feeling dizzy and scared shitless, took a short while to realize that I had awoken from the horror. The fluttering near eyes a little different, I guess I don't trust anything or anyone - time was around 2:40am.

I thought about the other many nightmares I've had - at a time when I was going through some kind of anxiety issue which was not apparent to me at the time. Something obviously triggers it, a change in the body, healing crisis, lifestyle changes, stress. This morning after the nightmare I was having stressful thoughts, chronic mean thoughts regarding a person I seem to not get along with very well for reasons unknown to me  and then the thoughts escalated to more critism about another person. In fact I was being my old self - a person bombarded with all kinds of issues, highly critical, judgemental, hateful, stressed and just really, really, very pissed!

Sun Gaze Update

As usual have not been consistent with this practice - at most I am sun gazing at least 3 times a week. Most days have been cloudy and some days I have been feeling too groggy to get out of bed. I have been sun bathing more early morning and mostly because I get to spend time in the garden.

For now I am at 120 seconds. That is 12 days of practice - so in 1 month I only managed 12 days. I am having a slightly unexpected result from practice - for some reason I am more hungrier - I seem to keep seeking out a specific kind of flavour and texture and I have been giving in to some junk food eating - pizzas and rice. Lately with a slight change in my lifestyle I have been seeking some kind of emotional fulfillment, it is becoming more apparent how these emotions operate in the body. It is unusual that my appetite has suddenly increased, but I can feel it more to be a need for emotional feeding rather than an actual physical need.

It has only been 12 days of practice so I really can't distinguish where these crazy emotions are rising up from. Besides bad food cravings other old stuff are drudging up like the crazy anxiety nightmare I had this morning.

Return of the Head Buzz

Last night, out of the blue, those feelings of deep love for everything emerged. With those feelings eventually fell asleep  - prior to that during a meditation I ended up sleeping for almost half the day.

Dark outside, suddenly coming back into conscious awareness of  physical surrounding my right arm was raised up with palms facing the abdomen. My head started to buzz which has happened in the past only this time I was slightly worried 'what if it was an epileptic seizure?'

I let go and ended up near an ocean where other elements all around were in contact with each other, communicating in a language without words. There was the sense of others only the others were gigantic.

Consciousness deliberately zoomed back in body out of concern. The arm still raised up, a magnetic energy between the palm and abdomen. Vigorous wormy like movements deep within brain, in fact I thought there actually were worms lingering in my brain.

The buzz was intense, placed my tongue between teeth as I had the sense that I might end up grinding or clench my teeth.

I was aroused but the sexual intensity was a lot less than in past experiences yet I could hardly control myself.

I got the sense that left arm was placed behind my back as if forcibly kept there in order to prevent any movement. I yanked it out and managed to regain control over right arm. When this happened there was some pulsing in abdomen - a kind of closing down sensation. Head nodded off the excess energy. I lifted right arm and the magnetic energy still slight present - my arm felt like it could float away as if it was pumped with helium. This episode ended at 1:30am.

The Ending Process

 I have been reading through some Jiddu Krishnamurti quotes and todays quote was:

"We hardly ever listen to the sound of a dog's bark or to the cry of a child or the laughter of a man as he passes by. We separate ourselves from everything, and then from this isolation look and listen to all things. It is this separation that is so destructive, for in that lies all conflict and confusion. If you listened to the sound of bells with complete silence you would be riding on it -or, rather, the sound would carry you across the valley and over the hill. The beauty of it is felt only when you and the sound are not separate, when you are part of it. Meditation is the ending of the separation, but not by any action of will or desire.

Meditation is not a separate thing from life; it is the very essence of life, the very essence of daily living. To listen to the bells, to hear the laughter of a peasant as he walks by with his wife, to listen to the sound of the bell on the bicycle of a little girl as she passes by: it is the whole of life, and not just a fragment of it, that meditation opens."

The bit that really stands out is 'the riding on the sound of the bells and being carried across the valley'. Journeying with Salvia has allowed me to have experiences where 'I' am literally embedded in the very physical matter around me. The most intriguing has been going inside people becoming one within the structures of the physical bodies. Other fascinating experiences include having other beings consciousness embedded in my physical body. The main element of such an experience is Oneness, you feel each part completely connected with each other creating a whole unit.

According to Krishnamurti there has to be an ending - the ending of seperation or the known and then we open up to the unknown. In my own experience I have felt the world around me come to an end but many times resistance pulled me back and each time I have had to rely on Salvia. Salvia had specifically revealed to me the ending process which at the time I translated as 'death'.

It is through this ending process which is simply entering into pure silence 

Lately I've been meditating on and off but sticking with some of my main practices. However I know I need to simply meditate without an 'end' goal, just meditate and be in the silence. It is hard though finding time with being too occupied lately, I may need to  plan this out so that each day I have some time for meditation.

Sun Gaze issues

Again I have not been able to sun gaze consistently. A few times into the second hour after sunrise I manage to sun gaze but I don't feel relaxed, maybe since I haven't had that grounded feeling on the garden slabs (need to keep box of earth for standing in). The times that I did practice much later after sun rise have made eye sight a little blurry and it seems to leave an after image. However during one practice I was able to see impressions of the suns rays glowing out and into the eyes.

I have to admit I have been rather lazy about it and there are some other factors. One is actually my new chocolate addiction which I will write about in the next post. The other factors are more complicated and too personal.

Sun Dreaming

This morning I had vivid movie type dreams - the kind with intriguing plots.

The memory of the sun dream took some time to come through and then when I remembered it clearly made a mental reminder to write about it here. Occupied throughout the day I almost completely forgot about it until the afternoon when I remembered I needed to write about an important dream. Kept digging in my mind and the mental image of the Suns face appeared.

It was a short dream but in comparison to the other longer dreams it's the best dream I've had in ages, short, simple and to the point. In the dream I was looking at the sun and it appeared to be close enough to burn me, but there were no negative incidents. I stood still realising that I was staring at the face of the sun, an actual being, just like all the creatures of the world the sun had its own independent existence. I don't recall being in awe, it felt so normal to me that the Sun and I can stare at each other.

Ceremonial Cacao

I have been consuming cacao regularly past several months, and I think my recent fatigue symptoms maybe a result of this newly formed addiction.

I also think it may have given me high amounts of energy which I have been releasing through dancing and lots of physical activity. I feel the addiction was formed from emotional problems rather than addictive substances. Most of the times when I'm reaching out for it - it has been triggered by some emotional response. Other times I am craving the taste and the euphoria such taste induces.

I am aware of raw cacao toxicity but have only consumed the roasted cacao powder until last week when I purchased the raw version. Interestingly the raw cacao does not give me that 'high' feeling which roasted gave instantly. However I was consuming it with fat (coconut oil) and sugar (dates, sometimes bananas), I have been eating in small quantities but I think the accumalation is having some effect on me right now. The main effect seems to be a fatigue that comes on suddenly but I'm not sure if this fatigue could be due to egg yolk liver flush since it started after this.

Today I was thinking about the cacao tree that produces the bean. Just like Salvia the Cacao tree has consciousness. I was consuming the powdered bean from the Cacao tree consciouness and everything that the bean had to offer was blending with my consciousness creating a fusion. Looked up cacao online today and came across an interesting blog discussing the spiritual uses of cacao: ceremonial cacao.

I realize I have been abusing cacao and so now currently will stay away from it for a while - until I once again feel the call for some cacao journeying. It has opened my eyes though - to the wide spectrum of thoughts and emotions that I'm harboring. Honestly though, most of the emotions I have been releasing have been great but that is only when I am by myself allowing the high energy thoughts flowing through and they have been just 'wow' - so maybe I have been running after these high thoughts rather than running away from the negative thoughts that seem mostly to be induced by negative circumstances in my life right now. I can't say for sure which one it is, could be both...

Sungazing Inconsistency

I have not been practising consistently mostly due to weather but also because I have not been able to get up early nor have I had the energy - it seems since the start of this week having family over my energy levels have dropped dramatically. My eyes are constantly drooping - this sleepiness is different to any sleepiness I've experienced before. Some kind of deep urge to sleep throughout the day in intervals - when I do sleep or nap and awaken there is major grogginess, do not feel rejuvenated at all. Not sure if this is the body's way of healing but I have a feeling it has something to do with the few days that I have sun gazed.  Also I did 3 egg yolk liver flushes and just the one or two enema and the new sleepy feelings could be due to that.

Have not been going out to the local park where the view of the sunrise is the clearest. At times I'd just do it in the garden only not standing on soil, will have to make an arrangement for this. Other times I am just gazing out the open window from the house (not through glass). It is quite cloudy here, hopefully not for that long. I'm not too fussed about missing days or not doing it exactly as instructed. I think attitude is more important than consistency. This morning I gazed out from the garden, it was cloudy but quite bright, I then went to lie down and relaxed - there was some pineal gland magnetic sensations, pulsing for a while and then I just dozed off for a while.

Did some deep breathing this morning in my room on the chair. As I breathed deeply focusing on the breath reaching head region my head would start bopping until I released the breath. I have noticed breathing in and focusing on different parts of the body causes different kind of involuntary movements.

Need to make an arrangement for sun charged water and start drinking regularly.

Heart Pounding Kisses

Last night as I retired to bed I was beyond sleepy, I rarely sleep in a sleepy state even this late, normally I just end up in bed still too alert to sleep.

I relaxed and started to feel pressure around my mouth which started to move around. Observing the sensations I realized, someone or something was kissing me. Soon enough my heart was pounding and there were mixed emotions flaring up, on the surface the sensations were pleasant but I was a little wary of my nocturnal visitor. What if it was some kind of parasite? I asked it to leave if it had harmful intentions. Being so curious I continued observing trying to keep from falling asleep - in the end sleep took over.

Sun Gaze - Missing Days

This morning I didn't get a chance to sun gaze and meditate - had family over last night and as a result slept late, woke up early but way too groggy to be bothered and the dense clouds were not helping much. Hopefully will catch evening sun, however living in the UK I am aware that there are going to be days with no sun and lots of rain however I won't let that hamper my sun gazing efforts, I can still meditate and continue with other practices as well as get as much early morning fresh air as possible.

Meditation Detox

Meditation is causing some kind of external detoxing that is working deep from within the mental space.  Suddenly people around me are moody to the power of infinity and I feel the huge contrast between my non meditating days to now meditating and only for just 2 days. This I feel could be the reason why I've been having difficulty meditating - I secretly know every crappyness within my space is going to get crappier. Like a healing crisis things get worse before they get better. There are currently a few changes going on in my life right now they are positive but there are still some doubts.

Meditation after morning sungazing

Just before noon I felt the urge to lie down on the bed - body slowly motioned backwards as if signalling to lie down. I also had a realization regarding previous kundalini symptoms. The bright orange and at times bright yellow glowing suns that I had seen in closed eyes were actually the inner suns. Before relaxing I asked the inner sun to appear and I will not be so quick to look away.

Stuff going on deeper in the head, all sorts of body tingles and other very kundalini type symptoms - there was a crawling sensation on my skin and I was certain it was some kind of bug especially since earlier I saw a spider crawling on my hand and even in the park lots of bugs. Obviously there were no bugs and then things were swirling inside the body. I felt pulsing and waves, there was definitely something going on in the forehead. The upper part of spine had that familiar kundalini energy rush up yet it was quick and gentle, thought maybe it was some trapped energy that was finally releasing. There was also that Salvia type effect where faces emerge from the inner fleshy parts of eye.

I went deeper into the meditation ready to completely release all mental occupation to that deep inner peace. At some point I opened eyes staring at the ceiling, green lines pulsing and waving they seemed like veins. Closed eyes again naturally relaxing. There was a gentle breakdown in the mind, sort of stretching outwards into the physical environment yet I was still very much aware of the physical body. I can hear my mums thought with the inner ears (non-physical hearing), she was wondering where I was. A few minutes later she knocks on my door and I have to stop the practice.

Later I tried to continue meditation but ended up falling asleep, there was a lot of visual vibration and inner vibrating upon waking up, feels like it is deep in the flesh.

First sungazing

I woke up at 4am this morning only because I needed to badly empty bladder and then thought about my intention to sungaze. Headed out around 4:45 to local park, went to a local park. It was cloudy and I was almost disappointed until I headed out in another direction towards another park where I caught a glimmer of the perfect firey bronze tinged sun illuminating so brightly behind the dense cloud.

Barefoot I stared at the sun for the recommended 10 seconds on first try. The process involves a daily 10 second increment, so tomorow it will be 20 seconds and the day after 30 seconds. This can be carried out for up to a duration of 9 months or until ones appetite is completely reduced. According to the instructions it is best to sun gaze at the same location. I have chosen to do it around the 1 hour window after sunrise and may even do one 1 hour before sunset.

I then sat down under a tree where the suns ray was illuminating, after getting comfortable started my breathing practice, then the 5 tibetan rites until I sat down and just relaxed letting the sun warm my skin. There were magnetic sensations in my forehead, something to do with the pineal gland and third eye. This tends to occur early morning but in the sun it feels more smoother. As I write this the sensation is still there, I really do feel like somehow the brain just got charged.

I normally do not ever go out this early in the morning and after sitting there in the suns warmth I never reallly wanted to leave. It was peaceful and even internally there was no mental chronic chatter, nature provides effortless relaxation. Next time I intend to get there earlier starting off with a meditation.

Sungazing

This practice has been around since ancient times perhaps in the very beginning but in these modern times it is Hira Ratan Manek who has assisted in bringing this practice into the western public awareness. I have been reading up the process on solar healing center website and have been thinking why haven't I started this from last year since that is when I first found out about it. Naturally I was already by then losing my appetite and I became aware of cravings and forced myself to eat simply because I was concerned as well as just out of habit, I was even concerned what others might think. However I have been realising more importantly that my appetite was almost exclusively based on cravings and this year it has become more apparent to me that cravings are a deeper need for emotional satisfaction rather than physical nourishment, hence why we eat more when bored and make bad unhealthy eating habits when stressed out. This doesn't mean that food cannot nourish the physical organism, just by changing my diet to a high raw diet has had good impact on my physical body. However the fact that everything we eat draws nourishment from the earth, the sun and water has really got me thinking in this path to breatharianism which is not really all that different to sun gazing. If the life forms in the plant kingdom can recieve their nourishment via these elements then surely human beings can receive nourishment via the same mechanism.

I'm still doing lots of cleansing, through various techniques such as colon, kidney and liver cleanse. Also different types of breathing exercises, headstands to improve oxygen level in brain, 5 tibetan rites, meditate and early morning and evening sunbathing. I also intend to drink filtered sun charged water everyday and in the process of my appetite reducing to a significantly lower level I will slowly change to a liquid diet which will be mostly juiced greens and I think I want to say goodbye to some flavours  - like chocolate.

I intend to update my progress on this blog.

Meditation Difficulty

Today I tried seated meditation, I have noticed my mind is more alert and chronic with thoughts than with meditating lying down. I think with lying down I tended to fall asleep and napped for quite some time and sometimes I would doze off so deeply after snapping out of the deep sleep state for say 10 or 30 mins I would feel as though I had been gone for hours.

I guess the benefit of seated meditation would be more than lying down at this stage but sometimes I shall alternate.

Todays practice was very difficult - and it would be since I haven't intentionally practiced meditation frequently. I felt my mind was consistently occupied with certain specific types of thoughts - these thoughts seem to be 'doing' thoughts, thoughts about the many tasks I must carry out. I have also noticed these thoughts are branched out from the people in my life right now. I have set up my life in such a way that others to some degree are still dependent on me and really I want to say that it is their negative energy and low vibration that is sucking me deep into the abyss of misery, but really I have myself to blame. The other day I had a conversation with my brother and the whole point of it was 'some people need to learn to say no'. Of course I agreed and even added specifically the person we were discussing needed to speak up and not be afraid. Seriously I would do good to take my own advice and I felt more deeply that this conversation was bought up exactly as if a message for me. Anyways my point is until I I do not stop allowing others to pull me left and right I am always going to be overly mentally occupied and meditation will be like sitting down waiting for that one thought that would creep into my mind and then on to carrying out whatever command it may be.

This doesn't change the fact that there was a time in my life when I was much busier and the environment around me a lot more toxic and added to that the strain I was putting on my physical body through bad eating habits, yet around that time I took up meditation that really helped me to relax efficiently, details of which have been added to this blog.


So why is it harder to meditate now, maybe I should consider a 30 day challenge which helped at one time. I may have to go through old journal and start using similar meditation techniques - in my next session rather than watch the thoughts I intend to observe my breathing.

I think journalling about meditation helped so I may accompany this with the practice

Breatharianism - Living on Light

This is something that I have read about a few times and it clicked with me instantly. I think it is a process that I have naturally been undergoing without much awarenes and it seemed to start happening around the time I had my so called TB lump which just emerged overnight. When it happened I knew about breatharianism but never quite connected the dots. At that time my appetite was so greatly reduced that I was incredibly concerned for my physical body I had to force myself to eat and I went so downhill with all the junk food which I see now was a result of my out of whack emotions. However with the reduced appetite I experienced no fatigue at all, in fact around this time the amount of energy I had was so new to me that I felt like a new person. Despite this I was depressed - which I realize now was a reaction to all the hospital wait and negative energy from doctors and nurses rather than my condition, never ever again - I would happily die of cancer if need be.

I have been reading as well as watching some material by Jasmuheen and she exudes this incredible loving energy - very motherly.

 For a while now my appetite has been so low, sometimes I'm not hungry at all. I am starting to understand my body more clearly now and I have realized this business of eating is a habit formed by our emotions and rarely from an actual need to provide the body with fuel. Most of the times when I eat - I'm either bored, worried that I might waste away or I just want to taste food for pleasure (chocolate does a good job of this). Another thing also is the routine of eating. We have a set time to eat food, breakfast in the morning, lunch afternoon and dinner in the evening. Fortunately out of concern for my health I have done some real hard work on force feeding myself healthy raw foods since last year summer rather then let my emotions eat away at my core with junk food - so I applaude myself for that and for anyone who is at least trying. Now I'm starting to understand hunger signals, basically there aren't any hunger signals or none that I'm aware of. I do not know what hunger is, the very subject of food and eating is becoming so alien to me and yet I'm constantly refining my diet primarily out of the fear that I will become frail and weak if I eat too little or stop eating all together. I rarely am thirsty enough and do not drink as much fluid as I used to but with the change of weather (dry and very hot) I am somewhat getting thirsty and need to drink. Since converting to vegetarian diet I have lost a significant amount of weight.

I think somehow all this is due to the Salvia induced experiences on top of a kundalini process - it has directly changed the way my body functions. I have been practicing doing headstands and I can't balance at all because my legs have a life of their own. The body seems to like spinning. My body has become so light and bouncy I feel it can levitate. There is so much energy powering this body I can dance a whole day and not feel tired - dancing is about the only thing right now that makes me come alive and I have this need to do it daily. It feels so good, not dancing - but coming alive. Lately I have been sleeping quite a bit more than usual but still energetic during the day, other than dancing I prefer doing light energy work rather then anything too strenuous, gardening is a nice form of relaxation and I'm turning a neglected garden into a beautiful oasis.

When it comes to diet however I am  not  a saint or anything, I do sometimes indulge in the forbidden white grains mostly just rice really, with cooked vegetables, sometimes potatoes and on rare occasions wheat products - I live at home with other family members and they have the worst kind of diet imaginable, everyday I am bombarded with rice so I taste some of it just to fulfill a craving which is slowly dissipating however I know for a fact everytime I eat it it is always due to emotional upheavel, even a slight elevation of negative emotions makes me want to stuff the crap out of it. Despite these nagging cravings I tend to eat very little, daily meals include mostly sprouted legumes and beans, sprouted greens, wild foraged food, egg yolks, carrots and even conventional type salads, some nuts and fatty seeds - about 80% of what I eat is organic and raw. I've definitely developed a chocolate addiction, fortunately not commercial chocolates. Luckily I'm not rich enough to feed this addiction constantly. For this year I have decided to stick with solids until I feel ready for liquidarianism.

So now I am facing the very potential of living on prana, I know I have to do some extra cleaning and assist the body in detoxing which involves enemas and longer fasting durations. Fridays fasting have been difficult because again my emotions take over and I'll stick a bit of flavoured rice in my mouth or let some chocolate covered dates melt in my mouth. It's all about the emotional triggers and I don't know how to resolve them but I need to work on this area. Right now there are three solutions:

1) Work on the emotional triggers one by one - this could be a long and arduous task
2)  Stay away from the emotional triggers so they do not produce the negative respones - this ones hard because I simply can't and even if I did stay away more emotional triggers would find me in another form or another situation
3) Keep myself busy with joyous activity and do some positive intention work daily so that I am happily too busy to be revved up by the common emotional triggers - dancing is helping, I forget everything else when I'm dancing.

I have added in a few routine practices such as headstands, 5 tibetan rites,  pranayama and meditation. I love singing and when I have time I am doing voice excerises - humming and head vibrations are a good way to clear the head of impurities and does wonders for the voice. Another thing that interests me is spontaneity, to live spontaneously and not plan every second of life and only parts of it that are necessary such as ones lifestyle etc.

I will keep this blog updated on my progress.

Urine Buzz

The other night I recommenced urine therapy, sipped the middle stream very slowly. Almost immediately after I retired to bed my body was charged with some kind of magnetic force. Something buzzing and almost popping out, I felt that something to be the astral body or another layer of the physical shell. I remember like a drunk I headed for the toilet - looking at how red my arms had become I can tell my blood was circulating with great force.

Not sure if it was that night or the night after but I had some very vivid long flowing dreams.

Another night I dreamt of a tree that resembled a face - the leaves were like strands of hair and this tree had a recent fresh haircut, it seemed to be communicating with me.

Morning Transitions

Yesterday went back to bed around 11am after waking up from a 2-3 hour sleep period. Could not sleep at all, so much crap in my head - thinking excessively about how to plan out the next day and everything escalated into planning things for the rest of this life. Unfortunately these thought patterns were not tiring, it took forever until I just shut my eyes tight.

Eventually entered several states similar to sleep paralysis but things were a little different. I could feel physical eyes had been twisted so that I was viewing things in the room differently so much that I was no longer in my bedroom. There were multitude of beings around me converting into all kinds of pattern creating the entire scenery. I kept getting agitated with them and a few moments I was frightened of what they were capable of. I knew there was a source, something that was causing this, something that had control over my external environment. After moments of panicking trying to unlock my eyes there were moments of sexual arousal beyond my control, base of tailbone pulsing followed by a pumping pressure. Soon enough things were almost returning to normal and I managed to turn around on my back, feeling so drunk and out of it managed to just crash into a really deep sleep which was broken earlier than it should have.

Upon reflection on this experience I realize that I was startled by the whole event which may be the reason I was afraid of the others. It was very unexpected and the fact the others were too visible and very in my face didn't help much with fear levels. So perhaps I should be more mindful of this and not be so quick to panic.

Sweet Song explains Misery

Last night I was quite miserable, feeling lonely on a planet filled with 7 billion people. The feelings just came suddenly without pondering how alone I really was. And now even though I see faces everywhere and I know that this entire universe is made of combination of all kinds of living entities I feel even lonelier.

I pretty much cried to sleep unable to even recall the incident.

Woke at 3ish am completing a few chores, back to bed falling asleep I at some stage heard a light snore perhaps heavy breathing. Then I knew body was asleep but felt very much awake with new body. I was located in my room or a room somehwere and then heard the song 'Ishq Bina' and was excited. It was incredible because I was humming to the same song only 3 days ago I don't think I even selected the song it just came to my mind all of a sudden. Then hearing it this morning and then trying to remember all the words and translating them it seems that the message arrived with excellent timing.

Vivid Dreams

The Silent Captor

For a few nights have had some interesting dreams so far I can only recall this one.

I see an actress from the TV show Bones loading a gun whilst sitting waiting on the bed. Across the room a masked man is tiptoeing towards her. He captures her and does this to two other men until they are all seated at a table. The younger man looks up startled and as he does a light seems to be shining over him - as I observe more closely I realize he is looking at me - light gets brighter and dream ends.

General Update

Extraordinary phenomenas are becoming extra ordinary, so much that I barely take note of these incidents.

As I wrote in my previous post I do not get interrupted in the middle of sleep anymore which really is a good thing but only downside being that I don't get that many opportunities to project and broken sleep had helped in the past, then again I really haven't been bothered - too preoccupied.

However upon waking up in the mornings there is that same energy all around vibrating, pulsating and moving and it is at these moments or when I am relaxing that the energy is intense. This energy vibe goes on 24 hours and is right now fluttering in peripheral vision and if I stay still for a while it amplifies.

Haven't meditated for like ever. It feels impossible I don't know if it is because I just have too much going on right now but I hope to start adding in some time for meditation.

Haven't dared touch Salvia for some time and the thought of doing a session had crossed my mind 2 or 3 times, the timing did not feel right.

Lately I have needed to seriously loosen the physical body and have been dancing a lot - got to a point where if I didn't dance I would become so miserable, and the thought of dancing lifted up my mood as well as some chocolate. Sometimes in the middle of dancing I would pause and remain still where I allow some of the involuntary movements - the body would move as if still dancing but not under my control - something else is definitely controlling these movements, the parts of the body? souls/spirits? energies? honestly I am clueless in this regard however I don't mind it at all - in fact I know I have to do this 'allow 'it' to move the body' as often as I can almost like I have to let it run it's course.

Sleeping Without Interruption

For a while now my sleep pattern has changed. Previously I was constantly waking up at a specific time, usually after 2 or 3am and it would take forever to fall asleep again.

Nowadays I am sleeping throughout the night without these interruptions. The causes of these interruptions varied such as emptying bladder, nightmares and rarely something external however it may have been that I was harboring some internal parasites which at this point seem to be leaving. I only wake up now when I set a very clear intention and can also set a specific time although I have only used this setting internal alarm method twice in such a long time.

H202 Therapy and Healing Stuff

As part of a healing process I have started on H202 Therapy from about a month ago. There are several websites online that go into the details and instructions of this therapy. I am also currently oil pulling in the morning.

I have abandoned Urine therapy for the time being - for some few months now as I've noticed white clumps in urine, possible yeasts and candida die off going on at the moment. I have to admit this healing process seems so bloody long - I wish I could just be done with it.

Since starting H202 therapy I have also slowly started adding fermented foods and beverage in my diet - so far sauerkraut and kefir water, this seems necessary to repopulate digestive system with healthy bacteria since H202 destroys everything in its path.

Also eating healthy but there are still times where I fall off the wagon. I'm slowly learning to fall off the wagon taking a more sophisticated approach - like eating raw chocolate, yum!

Need to start meditating more, implementing relaxation techniques - it can be so tough now relaxing my mind I feel like in the past I could relax and meditate easy, these days I am just too in my head.

A Sad Feeling

I have been feeling an emotion that is difficult to describe - it is some kind of sadness that comes without warning and has no cause, there is a hint of grief, the feeling of having lost something very dear.

I have written about this before since it has happened several times. I feel that whatever it is I need to comfort it, to soothe it - something that lives within me.

Another Sing Along Song

This occurred three days ago - early morning going back to sleep in a relaxed state of mind I felt like I had earphones on and was listening to music. This time the song playing is 'Is Pyaar se meri taraf na dekho'. Singing along I know that I'm in bed and that I don't have mp3 player actually neither had I ever listened to this song at all - only briefly when I was a teenager. Lately I've been playing a few mellow bollywood tunes but I wouldn't say it triggered these incidents. In fact it was only after the previous song incident that inspired me to listen to my player again.

Back to this experience - suddenly I heard my sister and she sounded anxious. I quickly respond asking her what happened since it seemed urgent. Almost jumped out of bed only I was a little stuck. Raised arms and they were incredibly buoyant but were silhouette. Then I raised my legs same buoyancy and silhouette. I can't recall how I exited scene but was very groggy and needed more sleep.

Darkness in the Clouds

Interesting dream I had this morning.

At first I'm talking to my new neighbours and I talk about their garden telling them I've seen it before and would like to just walk around there for a bit. I talk a bit about previous neighbours and mentioned the neighbour who passed away last year memories of him looming through.

After that the scene changes drastically - I am surrounded by strangers yet I seem to know some of them. The clouds are dark, gloomy, very angry and even dangerous looking. I can feel that something isn't right and I have to get out and follow the storm - to communicate with it. As I try to leave I am being held back, forced to stay. The others are concerned about my well being. I continuously make attempts to run away and somehow manage to escape, it is around this point that I was incredibly lucid I can recall the dream events after this part but remember opening physical eyes briefly looking out for the entities / beings in surrounding environment. Too groggy and something going on in head.

From yesterday afternoon I became unusually depressed - my mood taking a completely unexpected dip, just holding back tears until finally I took a nap. I am no stranger to this mood fluctuation but have not had it often and it is accompanied with an empty sadness that seems to have no source. Now mood is pretty much back in a neutral mode. I wonder if the dream is a reflection of this - also physically I have been giving into my emotional eating habits, old cravings taking over perhaps simply a part of the cleansing but then everything is connected.

Kundalini Spontaneous laughing

This has been occuring in my sleep - I become suddenly aware of it. Several times my face spontaneously scrunched up in fits of giggles and I found it funny at the same time a little alarmed.

I have read that this is common for those going through Kundalini process.

A Song In the Head

I awake around 3am - sort a few stuff out. Back to bed relax.

Suddenly I am aware of a song playing ,'Jaan Meri Ja Rahi Hai Sanam' from movie 'Lucky no time for love'. The song is literally travelling in the ear canals almost as though I was a music player and my ears were the speakers. As the song played I sang along as I know this song and I was feeling happy. My thought process went like this 'Wow, there's a song in my head. Now I don't need my mp3 player - this is sooooooooooooo coooooooooooooool!' It was amazing - I felt like I had a built in stereo just needed to know how to control it.

I continued to listen to the song until things started to change. I felt another layer of the physical form moving and I had some control over it - it was a shadowy, dark silhouette like form - one that I have seen many times before. There was some astral transitional type of stuff going on but rather unclear right now.

Something else was going on, I can't recall what but I know I panicked a little and tried my best to get out.

When I opened my eyes I suddenly realized where the song had come from. Last night before this event, I fell asleep requesting a song from that other presence (a part of Self).

The "High-Light" of Life

After my previous Salvia session I was extremely hungry - my mind was rampant with everything I could possibly eat, but I ended up sleeping on it.

Woke up 4am and I ate a vege soup with some rice - I never ever eat at this time but I think I was feeling metaphorically empty and translated that as hunger.

Back in bed tried to relax several times until at some point I witnessed a red light in the screen of my closed eye lids. I thought maybe I left the salt lamp on which has a red ambient glow but it was turned off. I looked to my right and it seemed wherever my gaze fell this red light was there and I saw faces of several beings. Closed my eyes not paying much attention. Some movement briefly took place in the ear canals and I started to hear an inner voice making some kind of sound - pronouncing words in an unspoken language yet there was an echo.

I continued to relax fell into a dream that was similar to circumstances that took place yesterday. Had to clean cat poop from my garden which I was pissed off about. In the dream I see poop on one side of the garden my reaction is a little different - I solved this same problem on the other side and now I just need to implement same solution here. I go in the house, brothers cat runs out and I stamp my feet expressing some agitation cursing the cat. She pisses on the side of the tiles avoiding the plants - I feel bad and at the same time amazed that she listened to me.

I continue playing out other scenarios related to this physical existence. Then I realize that there is a voice narrating a story - I was all this time living the story as it was being told. The voice in unspoken words carried on - telling me about the many lives it had lived until it eventually got to a point where through some process it ended everything - meaning all it's worries and all of that pertaining to earthly existence. It told me that a being emerged - as this happened there was a faint glowing light getting brighter right before me. Like a blossoming flower it was unfolding and there were showers of light, I was heavily transfixed on each droplet. It was so beautiful I almost burst into tears but held it back intrigued with this story. But there was only so much I could hold back, I turned away and opened my physical eyes and then finally allowing the tears to flow out. Never have I witnessed anything so beautiful....

There were several sparks of brain orgasms as I opened eyes. The voice was faintly there and finally I recognised the narrator of this story. It was some version of my Self, the light being was a version of my Self and I am a version of this same Self.

Lots of vivid dreaming

Past several days maybe actually a week or so I have been having very vivid dreams. The dreams are very interesting and some correlate with life situations.

I had one dream where I'm cycling and zoomed into other parts of environment, it was exhilarating and exciting I have been wanting to take up cycling but too chicken at the moment.

This morning dreamt that I was a young man. I had a daughter who was either given up for adoption or was missing. I was desperately looking for her even though not actually making attempts to seek her out just an inner wish. There is a young woman about the same age as me and she reminded me of my daughter until my heart beat strangely as she walked into an elevator and I just knew that I just found her. She gives me a knowing look and I awake at this point - it seemed normal in the dream that she was the same age as the father.

The vibrations are still there and as I awake there is always this glimmering of shadows in the peripheral vision.

Health Talk

From last year I have gone to extensive measures improving my diet and it hasn't been easy but through trial and error I have found ways to make it easier. A lot of this I want to share here now and also update on my health and also how it benefits for things like astral projection, meditation etc. Here's a breakdown of what I've done in the last two years to get physically healthy.

Tried out different therapies/remedies to clean body of toxins - neti pot, urine therapy, herbal teas, blackstrap molasses, water therapy, oil pulling and maybe a few other things I can't recall right now.

Improved diet - went from carnivorous to vegetarian to vegan and then back to vegetarian and now I have gradually worked my way up to about a 70 to 80% high raw vegetarian diet.

Honestly I think keeping myself occupied on physical health I've neglected some other beneficial practices like meditation and need to slowly add this in my routine along with pranayama but there's so much time in a day that a person can fit everything in so I'm learning to do what comes to me slowly.

Gardening - transition to a raw diet has naturally turned me into an avid gardener, this makes up for some physical activity - interest has built up to permaculture. Another interesting phenomena that perhaps occurs with everyone who attempts to go raw is the desire to heal the Earth and I am all the time looking for new ways in which I can help to reduce my carbon footprint - obviously being on the computer right now isn't helping much but I'll find a solution for it soon and I have reduced the amount of computer time by ending previous business venture.

Physically I do feel healthier, and also a lot of old condition remedying perhaps through all the support I'm providing.

2012 Blog Intentions

So 2012 Blog Intentions in short:

Health
Law of Attraction

The Long Version

2012 is all about improving health which will be accompanied by detoxing. The only reason health is paramount right now is because I can't be distracted with a broken vehicle. The kundalini energy has made it very evident that changes will be made to physical body and my obsession with health stems from wanting to support this process.

Another very important change to make in 2012 is releasing myself from all relationships that I feel are not right for me.

This means making specific list of each relationship I have that I feel I need taken out of my life and I can say right now without a doubt that all the relationships I have right now are toxic to some degree. Some more than others. Last year I felt a particular negative tie to a toxic relationship severe almost completely - it's still there but not so much and wow what a relief that was and it took an entire wave of negative incidents for it to occur. So I know I can't take a completely fast path and let a natural path unfold in its own sweet time. I think the reason why those really tough events unfolded was simply because I was getting so desperate and all those bottled emotion were spilling out all at once manifesting crazy things.