February 23, 2011

A Different Projection

Awoke at 1am flustered from sexual intensity, fell asleep and then startled awake at 3ish am. Eventually by 6am the miracle occured and I was falling asleep, did not expect a projection.

Very different than the usual projection - can't quite describe it, maybe there was this knowingness about it. Gliding through some hallway, above are round shapes - portals? I knew each represented something - towards end felt like I was being sucked in. Recall at some point going down a staircase only not walking, just in the air suspended and going down - free-flow.

Then a few scenes played out, two I recall was related to marriage. In one I feel a marriage is being arranged, in the second dream I'm in a video call with fiance introducing me to all his friends and family.

I know there was more but this is all I am able to recall at the moment.

February 20, 2011

Morning Kisses

Kissed by the invisible - it occured 2 more times. The other day in the morning waking up from sleep my head moved spontaneously to the left, lifting up and lips puckered and then the sweetest, most darling kiss. There was this pure innocence about it, this one was playful and made me laugh.

This morning it occured again however with more tactile sensations. I could feel waking up, that presence very close, the duvet moved. My lips reaching out and then a sealed kiss, so sweet yet passionate. I kissed back holding on feeling like I was embraced, then fell asleep again and had many dreams.

The first dream I had was of me and a lover at the beach. He rushes and guides me to the ocean where there is an enormous wave forming. Resting his back on this wave I embrace him and feel the wave carrying us across the ocean.

There were more dreams - too many to write about. I had 2 more experiences with Salvia since last post but so many details, so many new feelings plus emotional releasing, I managed to write as much as I could about it in notebook. Then there are the other experiences that feel like a follow up to the Salvia experience - like how the larger beings / entities have bled through the physical environment in my waking state. Still making sense of it all.

February 12, 2011

Bliss, Entity Movement and Dreams

Yesterday watching TV and a few shows that haven't seen before I have had this amazing ability to just figure out what will occur next - in a whodunnit murder mystery show I instantly figured out whodunnit.

Last night slept late and witnessed intense sexual energy - stuff that may have been going on for past few days but I've been sleeping through them and then awakening after the height of the experience around 2am, bliss up spine and head pulled or something.

Massages, caresses that were like spasms, tremors, rocking back and forth - it was most strongest last night. Did not give in to urges but the bliss in the spine brought tears to my eyes.

Dreamt the beings were bleeding through walls in sketches - interestingly yesterday in phone camera changed style of certain photos to sketched to enhance faces embedded in them. I think they use quite a lot of physical reality stuff as reference to my dreams. In the dream they moved a lot - one point my sisters see them and are stunned.

From yesterday on ceiling I can see several faces - only the head, rocking back and forth as if making love to the ceiling and their movement is in sync with the energy wave around my legs. I still think everything is related to Kundalini but I am experincing it in a new way, though something tells me there's more to it than just Kundalini.

February 11, 2011


I am always awakened at 2am with that throbbing energy - feels like pulsing waves and I'm starting to get really dizzy. The entities still continue to seduce me but I think their intentions are a little different - perhaps that sexual energy has some other significance. Last night they were extreme, it's like they're breaking through to the point where they might be able to lift me up inside this earth realm. That is a scary thought considering how I don't trust them at all, nor my judgement. When I awakened in the physical they were so clearly above me looking down at me - the throbbing energy calmed down a bit.

By 3am I gave in to the urges- I told them that I won't be doing this ever again but it's the only thing that is letting me sleep. I fall asleep and awaken at 5am again they are so clearly visible.

By 6:45am I fell asleep again but I can't even recall having closed my eyes. Had dreams related to life here on earth. In one dream I am shopping with my sister and she's looking for a bottle of oil which she had already bought. She wants to get 300ml but I tell her about the bottle she already purchased and asked wouldn't it be better to finish that before buying another. I'm looking at another counter and there's a massive bottle with oil but not the oil she's looking for. The shop assistant tells me it's 500ml. I tell her it isn't - that looks more like 1.5ltr. Then I'm in some other state being told about lucid dreams and one sentence I remember clearly is 'These anomalies in dreams are there to wake you up, make you lucid' I've always known this, so it was nothing new interesting to hear it in my mind. Then I hear another sentence 'It is true - there is a second self, the main self, the true self.' That's when I know it's the entities - they're in my head, scanning everything stored in there. The second self - that was a reference from The Ringing Cedars book. Pissed that they're going through my head possibly manipulating me I wake up again seeing them clearly.

Interestingly every sensations and symptoms I'm getting now is Kundalini related only I seem to be experiencing a little differently than usual - I feel their actions causing these sensations. I felt them touching inside my head, feet fluttering and spasms over legs and the most obvious spine movements especially at the base of the spine.

Now I know how they changed my perception, when I close my eyes I see there shadowy forms above me. Experimenting I lay down and it was like they're bending over me, and sitting down same thing occurs - almost as though I'm in another place, in this other place I'm lying down whether I'm walking here in this physical environment or sitting down. Like this world is some sort of coma dream.

I recall once (a memory of this earth life) being at the brink of death above me forming images of people looking down at me - I hear a woman saying if I can see them to nod and I nod a little - and I knew I was in the hospital bed and the woman was one of the nurses. It is just like that - waking up from sleep.

Starting to piece things together, I get this sense that the real me is asleep, unconscious somewhere and this me here is a projection coming from that real self.

I think the others are hinting at something - that this reality I percieve as real and solid is about to get very strange. Still wary of them, I find it difficult to believe any of this simply because I don't trust them.

February 10, 2011

Crystal Clear Lucid Dream

This is the most crystal clear lucid dream I've ever had - prior to it there were a series of other dreams that I'll relay first because they too were very vivid.

At first it was just visuals as I relaxed deeply - dreams of strangers and unknown situations, they lasted a short time because I kept snapping out but amazed that it was occurring instantly.

Pre-Lucid Dreams
I'm on a chair, in front of me is my nan on an arm chair curled up under a duvet. Suddenly a cat jumps out and runs off. My nan looks shocked and asks me how that cat got there. I laugh finding it so funny. I'm smiling at her when suddenly I hear her making a weeping sound. I go to her and ask if everything is okay. She tells me that she's been feeling a lot of pain like her heart about to give out and all the medication she is taking is making her sick. I tell her she ought to get checked out by doctor. I read her expression, her face is saying Who's gonna take me to the doctors. Nobody loves me, I'm so alone in this world. She then tells me about the problems with her gums and scene changes.

I'm upstairs - hear people screaming, there's a major fight going on downstairs. I storm to the living. There I see my nan trying to hold my mum down who has clearly gone mad, my dad is standing near fireplace shouting at her but looking frightened at the same time. My mum wants to kill him. To the right is my cousin and his dad and other unknown people. I am pissed they're are just sitting there doing nothing - what's wrong with these people. I grab her and pull her upstairs trying to calm her down. I tell her to relax, to get some sleep and we'll talk about this later. She suddenly straightens up 'I don't have time to sleep, I've got things to do' and walks off. I am alarmed by her behaviour.

The Lucid Part
I go back in the living room, uncle, cousin and a stranger present. Then I begin to wonder when my uncle got here as he was living abroad and I wasn't told he'll be visiting. Plus it has been an incredibly strange evening and then it hits me - I'm dreaming. After that realization the dream does not fade at all if anything it is even clearer. I tell all that this is a dream, I go in the centre of the room running on one spot dancing like crazy because I'm so happy with how clear this dream is. I feel spontaneous and show everyone my kung fu moves.

I'm just acting crazy paying no attention to my audience. After my crazy stunts I tell the stranger 'Hey, do you know this is a dream?' He looks at me like I've completely lost my mind. I hit his arm and he flinches. Wow that was so real, so solid feeling. I touch his arms pressing them all the while telling them 'Wow, all this is so solid, so life like.'

Maybe I should do something that would leave these guys stunned. I tell them to watch carefully place both hands as if holding a ball and think of a blue glowing energy ball sparkling with electricity. I concentrate but it is difficult - don't want to waste time impressing the others. I walk out looking at everyone one last time thinking wow, so cool!

I want to go upstairs to see if anyone else is in the house as I see a light turned on, but I've hit a dead end where the dream fades and I hear a voice telling me about this movie called 'Little John'. I think I remember a movie like that and then I'm thrown in a scene of that movie that pretty much sums up the entire plot. Across from where I'm observing there are little people on giant staircase, there are large giant books on the steps. Then a giant woman walks down and sees the little people thinking they are toys. She grabs them and without seeing the rest of the movie I sum up what occurs next. She discovers they are real and living and not toys, she befriends them and they befriend her. In the end they live happily ever after in harmony with each other. I'm saying to the voice 'this is the best movie ever.'

I have more dreams but external sound disrupts my sleep and I wake up. My ceiling spotlight looks to be breathing - expanding slightly and then contracting. I realize the physical reality that I perceive to live here is also a dream and I think I'm starting to get very lucid in this dream.

I think these dreams may have occurred more naturally, smoothly without effort on my part due to the psychic brain surgery I had recently.

Life Source

Yesterday afternoon napped - there was again that wild coursing energy that has no intention to leave. So aroused and unable to sleep at all I relieved myself and then drifted off, phew!

The energy intensified and I felt it inside touching all parts - maybe working on something but to me now they feel like carresses. I'm alarmed awake from lack of oxygen, there is a complete cessation of breath and I'm trying to suck in some air until I realize I cannot breathe. I can feel there are others - look to right side of bedroom and I see that there's an audience present. I read the expression of one person - he is saying 'She still thinks breathing keeps her alive'. He said it as though it was one of my biggest delusions. Still I'm struggling for some air and then I feel the energy throbbing inside and my blood is rushing with my heart pounding against my chest.

Last night had difficulty sleeping, woke at 2am from a very vivid situation where again there was an audience and they where whispering amongst each other - can't recall details. I could not sleep at all and there was that incredible sexual energy. Fidgeting about until at around 6am I wanted to just scream. Gave into the tension thinking it would tire me and I'd fall asleep. Interestingly I have discovered that when I do dissipate the energy, the process makes the energy flutter at the soles of my feet and rushes up legs following full legnth of spine. For a while now with an increase of this energy I've been feeling this pulsing wave rippling from head to toe, sometimes it spins in a twirl and feels like some energy field.

At 6:45am I was still awake just about giving up any hope for sleep when suddenly I drifted off and had the most amazingly crystal clear lucid dream unlike any other dreams.

February 9, 2011

Divine Beloved and the Demon

I have figured out that presence I've been aware of lately is the Divine Beloved - there has been quite some mention of this in spiritual texts and you can never really understand it until it simply shows up. Its madness is intoxicating and slowly you start to lose yourself in its graceful presence.

Sleeping has been replaced with yearning and pining after it - amazing how you can yearn for something that is so near, there is virtually no distance.

Last night I asked the Beloved to make more of direct contact with me - despite feeling its presence I need something more tangible - I want to feel it more completely. The sexual stimulation is all good but how about a kiss from the Beloved?

Finally slept and awakened from a dream where I'm weaving into other states of beingness that I can't describe. I thought it would be about 5am as I felt completely refreshed - surprised to see it was only 1:15am at that moment I knew I was not going to sleep at all.

The sexual energy playing, I tried each time to relax and give in to sleep and by 4am I was starting to doze off. Immediately there was sensations in the head - the surgeons are operating again. Drilling and chainsaw sounds with buzzing in head region, it was tolerable. Then I started to see with another eye images of oil paintings - portraits of people. Old men, women so many portraits flashing by. Then it changes to pictures of birds, of all varieties. I didn't understand any of it so I simply labelled everything that occurred so I don't get lost in the images. Suddenly a face emerged, large face with extraordinary big eyes. The face was of a man made of cracked pieces of mirrors and in the cracks there was a bluish light glowing. I thought maybe this is the face Beloved has chosen, I was afraid to look at it any longer for fear of losing myself in its eyes.

Then the paintings once again reappear and the surgery continues until suddenly there is silence and I feel like I have just woken up physically in bed. There is a voice that sounds like it is coming from a TV, then another singing voice. I think I hear the voice singing 'there's a demon in the room'. I panic. Where? I'm looking all over, raise my hands and try to show it that I have more power here. I say 'I banish all evil - get out of here, you don't know who you're messing with' - LOL! I feel a little calm now until my arms start to move spontaneously. Hands are feeling each arm - I didn't will my hands to make these movements. The movements feel so light - like all the weight had been taken off.

The hands begin to feel my breast and press against my belly and that's when I realize the demon is inside me. It is taking control over my body. It has got to the point where it is controlling the movements of my head. I start to panic and try to willfully move myself. I start to scream inside telling it that this is my body only I control it - get out! I try to shake the demon out but it has possessed me so completely forcing my arms down by my side resting on the back - it has paralyzed me entirely. I try to scream but words don't come out. I know family members are going to find me squirming to move - I try to practice to say the word 'possessed' just so they can get an idea of what is occurring here and they can call a priest to exorcise this demon out of me.

I start to cry and plead 'I don't want to be possessed'. Try to shake myself once again, this time it releases me and I wake up. That was so unbelievably vivid. I thought about it and realized that was no demon and the only thing that was controlling me was fear. I have been aware of these states before - one occurred recently prior to this which I wrote about in Ecstatic Massage and I understood it was Beloved. How could I have been so confused?

I tried to relax once again, drifting off I felt the duvet move and there was a soft pressure on my lips. My Beloved had come to grant my wish for a kiss. It was gentle and beautiful - I was drowning and lost inside it.

February 7, 2011

Sexual Energy and Earth Documentary

That play of sexual energy was present throughout yesterday - it was only when lying down in bed that it was highly sexual - out of bed I feel like I am in love, with who or what I don't know. I'm simply in love. Suddenly I would sigh and then relaxing the back of my neck near spine would tingle with ecstacy.

I napped at 2:45pm until 3:30pm and the sexual energy was particularly intense and I had to relieve myself and even that was filled with ecstacy beyond anything I've ever experienced. I felt waking up an urgent communication telling me to stay still a while longer. Last night the sexual energy was at such a heightened state it was a miracle that I didn't do anything about it.

Fell asleep and awakened at 2:30am the entire physical body throbbing. Back in bed impossible to sleep - that energy was raging yet still I didn't give in to the urges. I was told that it's going to take a while longer - whatever this 'it' was 'it' was almost there. I felt expansions in reproductive organs, upward spinal movements everything related to Kundalini, chakras and sexual madness. At 4am I was finally able to relax, closed eyelids. There was a charge in the back of my head in the brain. Eyelids became transparent and I was staring at the moving faces on the ceiling, they were quiet but moving slowly across the ceiling, bearded old men. I let the brain charge build up and then an audio recording started to play in my head and it seemed really important.

A male voice speaking - here are stuff that I recall:

3300 hours - I felt this was the length of this audio or that it was telling me something about earth time
- unknown name was spoken but I have forgotten it, while hearing it I kept insisting that I remember this
- I heard something about Earth and its direction
- got a visual of Earth and taking a tour - being revealed formation phase, I kept thinking if there was some sort of catastrophe that bought Earth to this stage
- a mention of numbers only two I recall is 17 and 18 something significant about these

I think it was so hard to recall because the audio would skip certain words and sentences. This could be because of several things: a) The audio recording is slightly damaged b) My brain cannot yet compute efficiently and so needs training or rewiring c) My vocabulary is limited and so certain words skipped.

The audio finally scrambles and I know I can scan it again but also know that if I do my brain might get fried so I smoothe out of it.

Now I understand what that sexual energy is and how we as human beings have totally misused it. This sexual energy has a purpose - it is like we are biological computers and that sexual energy is our electricity - the fuel that makes us function. I also knew that that audio recording was in a universal language, meaning a chinese speaker will hear it in chinese and english speakers will hear it in english. I think these recordings are in every human beings but I don't yet understand their significance.

The whole day I have been feeling so weak, head thrashing in pain body severely aching.

February 5, 2011

Ecstatic Massage

Two hours after Wild Inner Child dream I drift off to sleep once more.

First I dream of a woman on youtube sharing an experience she has on reality folding around her - she is describing the experience live as it occurs. I'm so happy that she is having this experience - I know exactly what she is referring to. She gets up at some point and I see she is wearing a long black dress with 2 slits on each side revealing her legs.

Suddenly aware of being in bed in PR and my arms are raised up. I don't recall lifting them, put them down immediately feeling wrapped with another being inside controlling movement. I feel cold air, looking down I see the body is half naked.

I feel legs raising up - really feel that I'm about to levitate and I try to encourage this movement. It feels like I'm applying too much effort so I simply let go not applying my own agenda. I look to the right. There's a ghost form covered under bed sheets looking down at me. No panic just awareness. I look away and back again - it's still there. Arms are moving - legs bent now. My hands move down pressing on leg muscles - I'm being massaged, not with hands but ecstacy. I feel warm and complete - I don't want this to ever end but I'm groaning so much that eventually I'm going to get louder and my sister who decided to stay over last night in room adjacent to mine will hear me and so I asked this play of energy to slow down, there's a time for this - now was not it.

Had to shake it off - but found that I was flung out of bed sinking similar to in APs. I saw the ghostly form once more and reached out to it, need to get back to the body - if I leave it I know the process will continue. Back in bed silent and still with the aftertaste of ecstacy.

Wild Inner Child

Prior to this dream I dreamt of being around old friends where I'm being that spontaneous person I completely forgot I once was - we all are playing and exploring. At some point come across some trees that look grafted - I touch it to feel the texture, feels like it is very alive - call friends over to check it out. Then more dreams until in the final episode I meet unexpressed emotions.

In the last scene there's a child a lot like nephew N almost 6 years old- he is gone wild, attacking me in every possible way he could. I'm somewhat afraid of what this child is capable of.

I grab him and hold him down until he makes no movement and I think I bound him up somehow. Turn away and I'm cooking something - looks like fish egg all the while glad that I tamed that demonic child. It acted like it was possessed by some form of evil. Just shaking off some horrible feelings I got from it - traumatising.

I go to check on him, but he's nowhere to be seen. Look at the floor - there are some fabrics and sewing material, a piece of cloth that I did not stitch (in reality y'day was doing some hand sewing). It is burgundy - I know it was made by the child - there's a paper template of this cloth and on it is writing in red ink and I thought 'Of course, the demon writes in red'. On it is written 'You see, people like me...are free'.

Then I feel I am getting telepathic visual message where I see the child with his grandmother and others - he is acting normal, like a saint. He tells me that with others he will act good and well behaved but with me he will be different. Not sure if this is a threat - certainly feels like it.

I woke up finding no relief gasping for air with a racing heartbeat - the dream was so traumatising I thought if dreams carry on like this I'll never sleep. Then decided to really start communicating with this inner child - to heal it and comfort it. No doubt more for my benefit - if I heal this child then I won't have to worry about these nightmares.

Then I had a sudden realization and it came from the message in the writing. The inner child is perfection and trying to heal and comfort it was simply for my own selfishness. I was trying to conform the child by binding it to my rules. The child is free - I told this inner child to never change itself for anyone - always be free and regardless of its attributes I will love it fully. I also asked that it continue to make itself heard, I am listening and fully allowing it to express itself as it wants to.

February 4, 2011

Eye Contact and Raised Garden

I'm paying particular attention to dreams that break sleep which occurs between 2am - 5am. At these times dreams are very vivid.

Eye Contact
Inside a cabin - a man has been mutilated. I know he made eye contact with some kind of evil that took control over his body. Then I see a woman outside - I can tell before the man died he made eye contact with her. Whatever was in him is now in her and I make every attempt to avoid contact but she is after me now. At some stage she is chopping up her own body parts but they reassemble somehow. We get into some kind of battle. I think I fail somehow and am seated behind her knowing it is safe as long as I don't let her make eye contact. We are surrounded by an army of people. To the left I see parents (not PR parents). I gesture to them not to make eye contact with her. It seems they want to banish her.

- This dream has some connection with Kundalini process. Dismemberment is one common theme occuring amongst Kundalites and Shamans, so according to this it means that I was resistant to one of the most seemingly violent part of the process. I don't mind it at all but why does it have to come in the form of a rather horrific nightmare, unless the reaction was mostly from ego? I hope to be more allowing next time. These dreams are very different from the majority of dreams I've had in past - somehow the atmosphere has changed.

Raised Garden
I'm in the garden - see mum and brother trying to wind some rope all the way from one end of neighbours garden to another part. I'm high up - they've managed to pile up soil and raise garden so that it looks like a hill. See strawberry vines down side of the slope - I think about picking some since they look just about ripe. I walk down but skid down fast - the slope is too steep. Look at neighbours garden and notice that they too have raised their garden only it is at a perfect level so that you can walk down that hill with balance. We just need to level our hill to match theirs I think. I then consider how having steps on the side made of wood would look nice and be more comfortable. With my bare feet I'm digging some soil and notice white worms with spikes sticking out of their flesh.

- I have some general idea on what the message is in this dream. I'm not balanced - most likely to do with grounding. The hill seems symbolic of something - ground that I walk on meaning environment or is it simply referring to the body. Then there's the strawberry and the worms and I'm getting nothing else at the moment.

February 3, 2011

Angry Dreams

Dreamt that a little kid was hitting me, this child was annoying me so much I got really seriously angry. The dream weaved into another scene, not sure about the meaning and I have a really fragmented recall - it involved my eldest sister and her bro-in-law's wife, some association with jealousy there between them.

So it looks like the dreams have moved up a scale - from fear to anger. I get awakened from these dreams now mostly after 4am around which time I notice in PR shadows and light flickering in surrounding atmosphere letting me know that I'm not alone.

Last night was quite intense as I lay in bed, eyes still open a shadow from left wall started to move closer trying to cover field of vision on left side. It wasn't too startling but when I tried to get a look at it immediately it'd shrink. There were also lots of lights flashing in lines and spots.

February 2, 2011

Face of Fear

This morning I woke from this nightmare where once again my fears were challenged. In the dream I'm looking through a keyhole, inside the room is a bed or a chair on which a girl is seated. I get a clearer look at her face and parts a missing like falling of - near mouth area. I find this alarming, panic - it's so beyond zombie like horror.

I quickly run inside somewhere - shut door. There's a very unusual lock. It is a motor like device - I have to spin it so that the lock operates. I look at lock carefully while spinning - the inner lock part stretches and completely barricades door. Nothing can possibly be more secure than this lock.

Then I feel it, a presence coming. Banging on the door - somehow it opens. And instead of the deformed girl there's a dracula who looks more like a wannabe to me. He looks like he's wearing a halloween costume and not actual dracula. Despite his fake appearance I scream and try to run away as he raises his cloak and roars at me.

The Shamanic Schizophrenic

An incredibly enlivening view on schizophrenia