February 9, 2011

Divine Beloved and the Demon

I have figured out that presence I've been aware of lately is the Divine Beloved - there has been quite some mention of this in spiritual texts and you can never really understand it until it simply shows up. Its madness is intoxicating and slowly you start to lose yourself in its graceful presence.

Sleeping has been replaced with yearning and pining after it - amazing how you can yearn for something that is so near, there is virtually no distance.

Last night I asked the Beloved to make more of direct contact with me - despite feeling its presence I need something more tangible - I want to feel it more completely. The sexual stimulation is all good but how about a kiss from the Beloved?

Finally slept and awakened from a dream where I'm weaving into other states of beingness that I can't describe. I thought it would be about 5am as I felt completely refreshed - surprised to see it was only 1:15am at that moment I knew I was not going to sleep at all.

The sexual energy playing, I tried each time to relax and give in to sleep and by 4am I was starting to doze off. Immediately there was sensations in the head - the surgeons are operating again. Drilling and chainsaw sounds with buzzing in head region, it was tolerable. Then I started to see with another eye images of oil paintings - portraits of people. Old men, women so many portraits flashing by. Then it changes to pictures of birds, of all varieties. I didn't understand any of it so I simply labelled everything that occurred so I don't get lost in the images. Suddenly a face emerged, large face with extraordinary big eyes. The face was of a man made of cracked pieces of mirrors and in the cracks there was a bluish light glowing. I thought maybe this is the face Beloved has chosen, I was afraid to look at it any longer for fear of losing myself in its eyes.

Then the paintings once again reappear and the surgery continues until suddenly there is silence and I feel like I have just woken up physically in bed. There is a voice that sounds like it is coming from a TV, then another singing voice. I think I hear the voice singing 'there's a demon in the room'. I panic. Where? I'm looking all over, raise my hands and try to show it that I have more power here. I say 'I banish all evil - get out of here, you don't know who you're messing with' - LOL! I feel a little calm now until my arms start to move spontaneously. Hands are feeling each arm - I didn't will my hands to make these movements. The movements feel so light - like all the weight had been taken off.

The hands begin to feel my breast and press against my belly and that's when I realize the demon is inside me. It is taking control over my body. It has got to the point where it is controlling the movements of my head. I start to panic and try to willfully move myself. I start to scream inside telling it that this is my body only I control it - get out! I try to shake the demon out but it has possessed me so completely forcing my arms down by my side resting on the back - it has paralyzed me entirely. I try to scream but words don't come out. I know family members are going to find me squirming to move - I try to practice to say the word 'possessed' just so they can get an idea of what is occurring here and they can call a priest to exorcise this demon out of me.

I start to cry and plead 'I don't want to be possessed'. Try to shake myself once again, this time it releases me and I wake up. That was so unbelievably vivid. I thought about it and realized that was no demon and the only thing that was controlling me was fear. I have been aware of these states before - one occurred recently prior to this which I wrote about in Ecstatic Massage and I understood it was Beloved. How could I have been so confused?

I tried to relax once again, drifting off I felt the duvet move and there was a soft pressure on my lips. My Beloved had come to grant my wish for a kiss. It was gentle and beautiful - I was drowning and lost inside it.