July 19, 2012

Ramadan Fasting and Bodily Movements

Ramadan starts tomorrow, and though I don't practice Islam I sometimes do follow the fasting period. In the past I have noticed how beneficial the Ramadan fasting can be to my overall health so this year my intention is to keep every single fast. It is tough since you are not allowed even a drop of your own saliva from dawn to sunset.

Lately, I have been doing some 'emotional' eating where I've been snacking on lots of crap to fill up some kind of miserable emptiness eating away at me. So now I just want to clean up the mess I've just made and it's about time because I am starting to feel the repercussions from my latest bad eating habits.

Rather than suppress these crazy emotions I need to start facing them, observe and try to understand where they are coming from and why.

Ramadan feels like a relief, just the one meal a day which will be sprouts salad, and then early morning UT drink, wheatgrass juice and sole drink not always 3 types. I also intend to drink nut milks which are quite yummy. When I do the emotional eating I know I'm very much aware that there is emotional imbalance but not sure how to deal with it and I give in to the flavours. I've cut down on the chocolate dramatically but ended up replacing with even worse foods such as bombay mix and tons of peanuts which is just terrible. Fortunately my body is in disagreement with these foods so I'm just starting once again listening to it very carefully especially when my teeth decide to take a bite out of my tongue.

Body has been behaving strangely lately, the energy is more fluid seeming to have more control over body. The other day I leaned over a pot in the garden reaching out I lifted up my right leg only slightly and suddenly leg just gave out and I almost fell flat on my face on granite along with that a tray of my seedlings fell out upside down  - fortunately they survived the accident, I love that plants are so resilient. I was so angry at myself and soon I was asking myself 'why? why would you that?'

Yesterday morning I did the headstand as part of my morning ritual and as I flipped legs onto wall, without warning legs swung out to right as if by another force and I ended up slamming onto floor towards the right side. When I breathe in deeply my head does a lot of swaying almost dancing which I like this actually makes me feel very relaxed, the more deeper the breathing the more intense the movement. When I remain still and observe there is a light swaying and if I surrender to these body movements body moves in different ways and directions.

I do get paranoid about these things sometimes and other times I am concerned about my sanity. I think one of my craziest theories so far is that some kind of parasite, and by parasite I don't mean an invisible evil entity, I mean an actual wriggling worm has got into my brain and has taken over partial control over my bodily movements - my more rational diagnosis is that I'm having some kind of nervous system meltdown and my body is simply reacting. Then there's kundalini and I'd like to very much think that it is this process but I'm starting to doubt everything. Perhaps for now it is best to stick with 'it is what it is'.

July 11, 2012

Sungazing Efforts and latest updates

Lately here in the UK the weather pattern has been pretty strange. It is always cloudy and in rare moments they clear up and then recolonize. A cloudy UK is not unusual but only in the summer, this summer is warm but very cloudy. The clouds are getting denser, it is dark and there's an air of misery. Constantly raining and all these factors have put me off with any effort to sun gaze.

I have been feeling pretty miserable lately, not entirely due to weather but current situations, home life and all that piling up. I find myself giving in to emotional eating and not giving a shit about anything. One time during emotional eating something bit hard into my tongue almost puncturing it, this something has done this before and I didn't bother heeding to its stop sign. Carried on emotionally eating. I feel I am just getting increasingly depressed. I don't know if it is because everything I plan just gets flushed down the toilet, so I have decided no more planning - this reminds me of a song...

Today late in the afternoon I was just fed up with the usual daily scene, being around people who agitated me and fed up with myself for not doing anything about it I climbed into bed without a single care for anything. I thought to myself that I could be in the midst of a storm or a whipping tornado and it wouldn't phase me.

Closed eyes and mind was emptying, body would snap and jerk. My head shaked and jerked about, nodding left right, up and down. As usual the movements were startling but this time they were incredibly forced almost as if whatever is making these movements has more control. I started to see and feel wormy movements what seemed to be inside my head. Then there was some paranoid type worry 'what if these things are parasites in my head?'

Despite the sudden worry thought did not care much and let whatever 'it' was be and slept it off.

July 1, 2012

Anxious To Leave

This nightmare did not start off quite as horrific as it ended. I was at a reunion - people I knew from primary school and secondary school were present. I remember trying to put names to the faces. Friends from secondary school were all celebrating my birthday, there was chocolate cake and I swiftly grabbed myself a slice. Then I got a vibe from the friend who set up the party did not want us to eat the cake - it was just for show and she needs to reuse it for her brothers birthday. Walked off trying to remember the names of other friends. This dream was incredibly vivid.

There were some other interesting dreams, where I am being each thing around me. Lately I have been reading some Krishnamurti quotes and a very interesting one where Krishnamurti describes the oneness feeling in his words. I thought about it deeply and the same ideas played out in this dream.

I somehow ended up lying down in some kind of glass framed room in the woods. I see there are some hooligan type groups walking by, and I am startled and scared. There is that terrible sense of fear with impending doom. I know I will be attacked and think if only I had a gun I could just get it out and it would be enough to scare them  away - the way I'm thinking this thought is as if I am scripting out the scene.

The fear factor changes to something incredibly intense and unbearable, a fear of something that makes death appear more welcoming. There's something invisible, very dangerous so much that I forget the hooligans outside as if they no longer exist.I hear this invisible presence communicate with a thought loop 'Please stay with me, be with me - stay with me, be with me - stay with me, be with me'. The feeling I'm getting from it I can only describe as nightmarish. Heart palpitating and I think I might faint to death. As I try to crawl out it becomes more persistent. I slip out of its grip but not yet sure, there in my dark room, heart still palpitating, feeling dizzy and scared shitless, took a short while to realize that I had awoken from the horror. The fluttering near eyes a little different, I guess I don't trust anything or anyone - time was around 2:40am.

I thought about the other many nightmares I've had - at a time when I was going through some kind of anxiety issue which was not apparent to me at the time. Something obviously triggers it, a change in the body, healing crisis, lifestyle changes, stress. This morning after the nightmare I was having stressful thoughts, chronic mean thoughts regarding a person I seem to not get along with very well for reasons unknown to me  and then the thoughts escalated to more critism about another person. In fact I was being my old self - a person bombarded with all kinds of issues, highly critical, judgemental, hateful, stressed and just really, really, very pissed!

Sun Gaze Update

As usual have not been consistent with this practice - at most I am sun gazing at least 3 times a week. Most days have been cloudy and some days I have been feeling too groggy to get out of bed. I have been sun bathing more early morning and mostly because I get to spend time in the garden.

For now I am at 120 seconds. That is 12 days of practice - so in 1 month I only managed 12 days. I am having a slightly unexpected result from practice - for some reason I am more hungrier - I seem to keep seeking out a specific kind of flavour and texture and I have been giving in to some junk food eating - pizzas and rice. Lately with a slight change in my lifestyle I have been seeking some kind of emotional fulfillment, it is becoming more apparent how these emotions operate in the body. It is unusual that my appetite has suddenly increased, but I can feel it more to be a need for emotional feeding rather than an actual physical need.

It has only been 12 days of practice so I really can't distinguish where these crazy emotions are rising up from. Besides bad food cravings other old stuff are drudging up like the crazy anxiety nightmare I had this morning.