July 1, 2012

Anxious To Leave

This nightmare did not start off quite as horrific as it ended. I was at a reunion - people I knew from primary school and secondary school were present. I remember trying to put names to the faces. Friends from secondary school were all celebrating my birthday, there was chocolate cake and I swiftly grabbed myself a slice. Then I got a vibe from the friend who set up the party did not want us to eat the cake - it was just for show and she needs to reuse it for her brothers birthday. Walked off trying to remember the names of other friends. This dream was incredibly vivid.

There were some other interesting dreams, where I am being each thing around me. Lately I have been reading some Krishnamurti quotes and a very interesting one where Krishnamurti describes the oneness feeling in his words. I thought about it deeply and the same ideas played out in this dream.

I somehow ended up lying down in some kind of glass framed room in the woods. I see there are some hooligan type groups walking by, and I am startled and scared. There is that terrible sense of fear with impending doom. I know I will be attacked and think if only I had a gun I could just get it out and it would be enough to scare them  away - the way I'm thinking this thought is as if I am scripting out the scene.

The fear factor changes to something incredibly intense and unbearable, a fear of something that makes death appear more welcoming. There's something invisible, very dangerous so much that I forget the hooligans outside as if they no longer exist.I hear this invisible presence communicate with a thought loop 'Please stay with me, be with me - stay with me, be with me - stay with me, be with me'. The feeling I'm getting from it I can only describe as nightmarish. Heart palpitating and I think I might faint to death. As I try to crawl out it becomes more persistent. I slip out of its grip but not yet sure, there in my dark room, heart still palpitating, feeling dizzy and scared shitless, took a short while to realize that I had awoken from the horror. The fluttering near eyes a little different, I guess I don't trust anything or anyone - time was around 2:40am.

I thought about the other many nightmares I've had - at a time when I was going through some kind of anxiety issue which was not apparent to me at the time. Something obviously triggers it, a change in the body, healing crisis, lifestyle changes, stress. This morning after the nightmare I was having stressful thoughts, chronic mean thoughts regarding a person I seem to not get along with very well for reasons unknown to me  and then the thoughts escalated to more critism about another person. In fact I was being my old self - a person bombarded with all kinds of issues, highly critical, judgemental, hateful, stressed and just really, really, very pissed!

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