November 30, 2011

Venting Anger at Teacher and then Laughing

After the AP I fall asleep dreaming about hanging out with my youngest sister. We're both attending a class.

A group of us have been flying and as I land I trip over bumping into my sister making her bump into the teacher.

The teacher is incredibly agitated and has formed an idea in her mind that I am deliberately trying to harm her. I defend myself by explaining the situation but she doesn't want to listen. At some point out of anger I call her a stupid f***ing b****. We are all seated in a circle. There's an old fashioned telephone on the table, she is calling someone and in my mind I knew without a doubt that she's trying to call my parents because at that moment I got a flashing image of the phone ringing at home every time she redialled.

I had enough, stood up telling everyone that I'm leaving. Just before I leave I ask the students sitting next to her if they recall the tripping incident and each of them verified that indeed it was an accident. Again I'm so angry and now it's directed at these students who could not bother to defend me earlier on - I guess I storm out after this. Wow - my dreams have not been very pleasant lately but I feel they are definitely reflective of how I'm doing emotionally with physical situations.

Another dream - I'm chatting with another sister who is on the phone to my aunt. She's angry (at least it's not me this time). Another old telephone system, she has thrown the cord down with reciever hanging and I can hear my aunts massive voice. My sister is going on and with her exploded temper I think she's not aware that aunt is still on the phone - I gesture to her but she doesn't care.

I know I have to pick up the phone and try to calm my aunt down but that also means staying on the phone for forever. I tell her to forget what my sister said as everyone knows she's a bit rowdy and that she even speaks to me with the same tone. I'm lying down listening to my aunt rambling on, she is telling me something and constantly crying. Three adorable kids walk in - I seem to know them, then a man walks in - the father, someone who in reality proposed to me and I had rejected.

One of the kid grabs my bent knees giggling, cheerful and so happy. I hold him or her calling them 'bulbulla' and for no apparent reason burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter - I wake up with that same laughter feeling somewhat good, at least better than the past few weeks.

Projection Experiences Changing

I wake up at 5am - empty bladder. Before I continue I should make a note of my recent mental state here - lately I have become so thoroughly depressed to a level that goes beyond any depth I've felt before. There is a thing where I yo-yo between depression and elation. I have noticed certain things that trigger it - usually it gets worse when a new health crisis emerges and I escalate into the worst thoughts possible and at times can remain calm. Other times it is the smallest most ridiculous thing that would agitate me until a few days pass by and I forget or something new arrives.

This morning didn't really care about anything except getting some sleep and last night slept through without a chronically disturbed mind - at least not as bad as two nights ago.

About 6am this morning relaxed deeply through closed eyelids bedroom wall visible. There is a face of a man on the wall and I observe it - it's still but seems to be continuously forming. I rise up to the ceiling and I think I was spinning differently than usual. This time just when I thought I was about to sink I didn't. Instead I was on the same level but things around me were changing - maybe there was some kind of charge this time that I can't recall. Everything occurring quickly that I seemed to be suddenly in another room sitting on a chair staring at the television - a Mexican film with a very Bollywood vibe was on. There was a woman to my left who seemed to know me. There are other people about and I am amazed at the vividness of the scene. I try to touch her face but things get a little hazy. I walk about this building with many rooms. Walk inside another room and get in bed why I'm not sure but I jump out as soon as I realize someone is under the covers.

There are a few voices I can hear calling me by my name.

I walk into other rooms checking for something unoccupied, I know I have projected to this place but I feel so lost.

There were more things that I can't recall - should've made notes as soon as I awake but far too groggy. Closed my eyes and had a dream in which I was venting some anger that might be significant to my current mental state.

These AP experiences are changing, changes made to transition and the quality as well as the lenght of experience.

November 21, 2011

Face Streaming

Morning I awaken at 6:30am - can't believe how dark it is outside I would've thought it was 2 or 3am and taking into account that I was so groggy took a lot of effort to empty bladder.

Returned to bed doubting I'll be able to sleep at all. Getting comfortable resting on my front side managed to get some shut eye. I remember as I started to relax imagining something in front of me, pressing it I was startled as it felt too solid. Played around with my imagination for a little bit until I went even deeper in this relaxed zone.

I was aware at some point of something changing around me yet knowing that I was still in bed, several male faces streaming along the wall, each of them carefully observing me. They are like shadows on the wall - I do not recognize any of them, limited to guesses about them and reading facial expressions.

The faces seemed to be gently gliding across very slowly as if backing away so as not to frighten me. Brain feels so mushy, some part clicking and I got this feeling they had done something.

Some of them came closer to the head and I can feel around the head, sensations of them moving almost as though they had entered and became a part of the head. There was fluid movement within the body, felt like all at once each part of this body could detach becoming individual entities.

I never know when these certain 'others' show up unless I'm using Salvia. With the Salvia, experiences become too intense for me to raise questions and certain knowings seem to come as part and parcel of the experience - these reduce the need for the question, in fact sometimes the questions appear ridiculous in that state.

These beings are intriguing - a fascinating aspect of reality. I think perhaps the only reason why I am able to see them moving only in altered states of consciousness as opposed to the so-called normal waking consciousness is because something within the brain has to change. Perhaps that part is always active but since we use other parts of the brain on a daily basis repeatedly through mundane physical reality based activities - the other parts shut down.

Last night I was reading the Bhagavad Gita certain things making a lot of sense, more deeply engrossed in the story than ever before and I went to bed feeling devotional.

November 16, 2011

Reality Waves

Woke up maybe 4ish am - after emptying bladder straight back to bed no thinking just the urge to close eyes and sleep.

No recall of the transitional state but suddenly became aware that my environment was different - consisting of a charge of energetic waves. Not sure how to describe it except that I was definitely not viewing my room. Top of my head sensations, pressure - brain buzzing and charging, this time it had a pulsating rhythm. It was intense but not so much that I couldn't handle it. I open my eyes with the intention to see if my room is still there. As I open eyes there is that movie like effect, white noise flashing sparkles tuning into a frequency type movie effect, but I was inside within the tuning. Finally I can see the window area in my bedroom is flowing with that same charge I viewed in alternate environment, it was waving and alive with a multitude of brightly colored flashing lights. My eyes feel tensed almost like I'm having to keep them pried open - either some kind of magnetic force wanting to close them or the eyes just could not handle these visuals. Closed them and again from the alternate environment opened again, looked at the window once more with all the waves moving about this time strongly trying to open them fully.

Can't recall what happened after this but I recall at some point where the energies all around me became intense causing an explosion of something in the physical environment.

Last night I slept really late deeply engrossed in making my herbal capsule formula and just before dozing off I drank the most vile tasting tea ever telling the parasites that live inside me (for now) that I want them out. Waking up this morning I felt that my thoughts and feelings from last night triggered this experience as I recall falling asleep the third eye or forehead area moving about a lot - the pressures were very intense.

November 12, 2011

A Walk In Paradise

Woke up at 4am, back to bed half an hour later. Frustrated with and endless thinking process, I breathe and relax - I recall at one time before relaxation when I had closed eyes a flashing image of a door to my left appeared.

Relaxed - can't recall going through the initial transitioning process. I found myself shifted immediately to another place. Walking down the corridors of this building it didn't take long to figure out that I was in a hospital. I open one door and feeling the solid touch I am astounded it was as real as physical reality realness - that same depth. I see a computer and think about getting my details that is if I'm in the hospital that I think I'm in. I want to check all the lab results because I suspect my recent Tuberculosis diagnosis to be suspicious. As I touch the keyboard once again I'm astounded by the realness factor. I get confused and realize I don't even know my hospital number and don't really want to type my name in - make a mental note of this so that when I get back to reality I can memorize it for next time. I walk away touching the environment as I go along. A few moments I imagine things and it is like they are coming to pass. I remember at one point thinking of going through the door believing it to be possible I walk right through it somehow I know this is also possible in the physical reality. There are others about but I do not approach them.

I walk outside, a huge contrasting scene to the hospital. Nature is all around and I am in love with this place. I remember seeing a variety of unusual flowers. Beautiful colors, an environment filled with every element of paradise. And I was viewing only a small area of it. There was the potential of something more - I knew deep down that this paradise is here at every moment. To the right a flying creature attracted my attention with the fluttering of it's delicate wings. It was large, its textures that of a moth and vibrant colours and patterns of a butterfly.

Scenes changed to other scenes that are vague but there locked in the memory bank. I do recall being around relatives at some stage wondering whether they are aware that we are dreaming.

November 7, 2011

The Conversion

Wake around 3am - close eyes almost immediately - shift - head buzz - something forming on ceiling - someone about to emerge - strong presence - scared - say to myself "focus on breathing and forget everything else". All attention on the rhythm of breathing.

I am high up now near ceiling. Less afraid, through the window, still dark out. Travelling end up in a scene - beautiful massive garden - pots with global hedges, lovely nature all over - sun is out. Walking and bouncing about the place cheerfully "Wow - I wonder if this place actually exists in reality".
Suddenly scene converts bit by bit to another scene - now very dark - I hear or feel someone on TV - a TV commercial - tele-shopping, someone selling round tablet detergent. My focus changes I am the person watching the TV - I have occupied a part of his or her body - the body was incredibly still. Environment converts to another dark room - sitting on a sofa. At some stage I recall lifting up legs and being able to see my legs. I can feel a presence - woman approaches me from the right, on her right hand she's wearing an animal puppet. She grabs me with puppet arm saying "Gotcha". If I were able at this moment I would've jumped out of my skin but body was in a state of paralysis.

I get this sense that scenes are about to warp into nightmarish scenes. I start to fight it urgently with great force shaking the body. Eventually snap out, the head buzzing calms down. There was a door to left in this scene which immediately converts to my bedroom window, and other various elements of that room from the scene converting to my bedroom. My head hurt so much, not from the head buzzing but from the fight that I had put up - I felt like my body and especially head had just crashed with great impact. Started to regret giving into the fear. Could not stay up long enough to check time - too exhausted fall asleep instantly.

Interesting experience and the morphing of scenes is not one I am unfamiliar with. The most intriguing part is when the scene morphs from what one might call the astral to one's physical environment. In the usual common type of projections it appears that there is movement from one place to another and of course that feeling of coming out of the body, in this particular type of experience everything was transforming in the same space without actually moving even though at times I felt I had traveled up to the ceiling or it seemed that I was walking. Something to do with the brain, connection to the sight and the mind behind the entire operation. I think what may have triggered this experience is certain heartfelt deep feelings and communication from my part to higher source prior to falling asleep last night.

November 1, 2011

Meditation Update

I haven't written about meditation in almost a year now simply because I haven't meditated, it had become difficult overtime and I think in some ways it was replaced with Salvia usage. It was after my difficulty with meditation that I discovered Salvia and felt guided to try it out.

A week ago I had meditated three times and each time for 20 minutes or so. Each time there were the common IBMs, it was mostly hand and finger movements.

The movements are much stronger than at any other meditation sessions. The index and middle finger pressed deep into my abdomen, and during another session my hands resting near thigh started to press in this area. Each time I was startled but continued to relax. It does feel like within me there is another occupant and for the briefest moment when I can relax it takes control over body. One night I recall going through this motion several times until I fell asleep.

I want to meditate daily but I know for now I need to take baby steps. It helps to have a specific time to meditate but maybe I'll stick with at 'when I feel like it o'clock'. I think previously what really helped was starting a 30 day meditation trial - might try this again.