December 5, 2010

The Ex-cape

I'm in my sisters house. I am so happy to see my cheerful nephew. The house is so different to what it really is like in reality - here it's bigger and more old fashioned looking. In one room with the door open I see my bro-in-law on the phone. I look at my reflection in the hallway mirror. I look so awful and dull. In another room I see my niece and I begin to wonder if she came here with me. I go to her and give her a happy hug, then my cousin the young version of her shows up. Walking down the stairs now with cousin, niece and nephew following me. Suddenly my ex pops out of nowhere. I walk past him pretending I didn't see him, he grabs my arm and stops me from moving further.

I have an urge to beat him up, push him and throw him down the stairs. Still he is getting very touchy, grabs my arm again and calls my name several time. I pause and almost become lucid. The anger is too much I am frustrated with his behaviour. In order to humiliate him I brand him a 'pervert' thinking that would stop him getting in my way making him feel embarrassed, but he becomes even more persistent. Deep down I'm thinking why did he have to show up - I look like such a mess.

I head for the kitchen where I think I'm fixing up a drink for the kids, ignoring my ex as much as possible. I take a quick look at him, he has carpet fibre all over his hair. I laugh inside thinking he looks like a dog that just rolled over some loose carpet, and there I was thinking I look like a mess.

I take the kids out through the garden outside for a walk, wondering what to do for the rest of the day. The kids are running off as I slip on some sludge, ex tries to help me up but I gesture to him that I don't need his help. He walks off. Trying to catch up with the kids I notice they're walking with my ex chatting with him, clearly enjoying his company. I am hit with an enormous pang of jealousy, stomp my feet and turn around to head in the other direction. Again I slip over the sludge, it is just not my day. I march like a raving lunatic, it's helping with releasing the anger I'm feeling. Suddenly I see my cousin by my side with the rest behind me.

She asks me what we're planning to do. I say "Copy me, we're gonna keep marching like this, performing all kinds of exercise moves until our lungs give out. We're gonna get so exhausted until all we wanna do is relax and then give into sweet sleep". I emphasise the sleep part because I want to go to sleep and forget everything. A quick glance at my cousin and I can see she's not too keen about my plan. There's a gang of girls on one side of the pavement, arguing and I think about my trouble maker sister wondering where she is. I know deep down my sudden concern for my sister is really just a distraction from the real issues that I'm having with my ex.

An interesting and very peculiar dream, first of all I don't even have any issues with my ex. In fact the people that I have real issues with I rarely ever dream about. Dreams about my ex, at least this one is very rare for me but I wonder what the message is in this if any - perhaps it was an incentive to wake me up, but very hard when you're caught up in frustration and anger.

I've been listening to Hemi-sync Opening The Heart series past few days, not really very conscious of the exercises since I listen to it at around 10pm. It actually puts me to sleep and one of the side effect of that is waking up at 2:30ish am from intense dreams like the one I just shared and TIM. I think I'll continue listening to this at 10pm every day since I am so in need of a sleeping aid.

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