Facing The Fear

Within the PR there are many layers of fears that we all face in everyday life - the fear of losing one's possessions, the fear of losing loved ones and many other fears. Then there is a new kind of fear that are so much more challenging than the ordinary fears we all face.

The fear of being devoured by that which stares deep into our bare soul ready to strike at any moment - it is this fear that is the hardest of them all to face and if one cannot even handle say the fear of losing their loved ones then how will such an extraodinary fear such as losing yourself be handled. And it is not even to be handled - one doesn't handle it by devising some method of taming the beast with a sense of control. You must simply face it as if it were nothing extraodinary.

I've realized that I have been given so many opportunities to face this very extraodinary fear. I recall one event where I felt this deep urgency to hold onto the thoughts of my loved ones and my basic physical existence which felt were threatened at the time and realize now it is always in danger - I wasn't afraid of losing them but afraid of losing myself. We are so caught up in this physical illusion - the very fact that by nature we naturally react by trying to hold onto some memory to keep the illusion in cycle every time there is a threat is the proof one needs that life is so vulnerable, so fragile why else do we wake up each day with leftover memories that make reality static. It is the illusion that is fragile and in every moment death is waiting at your doorstep - I am not referring to physical death - for the body is just a piece of the Earth and to the Earth it will return to be recycled which is really an illusion. This other death is the total, complete death.

To the one who opens the door willingly to the uninvited guest, Death is your friend.

The Kundalini Red Light and Other Lives

Had this dream but not quite a dream - a merging of another dream into this dream we call reality.

Here's what happened - I recall that I was in bed but also in another realm. There are flashing white lights and immediately I know this has to do with the Kundalini Energy. A memory comes to me and suddenly I am someone entirely different. As this different Being (not person) I am recalling the live I had lived or am currently living. The memory running in mind is of being a man, who is going through a Kundalini Awakening, as this other Being I am confirming that it is one of the finest best life lived or perhaps is still living.

I have a false awakening, it is middle of the night out in the hallway, there are two men coming up the stairs I think they're my sisters friends. Back in bed I am contemplating where I have last seen one of the two men who I seem to recognize. More lights flash - to my right at the far end of my bedroom a reddish bright orange light flashes but is almost static - static enough to get a good look at it.

I know without looking at the clock it's 6am. A few minutes later turn lamp on - just a few minutes past 6 and I am contemplating, trying to make sense of these lights and that feeling and rummaging through other living lives.

Yesterday I felt heavily depressed, there's this feeling of burden in my life and it is due to a current life circumstance - I know exactly what it is. I find myself caught in it and I don't know how to get out. Very emotional stressful time for me.

Meditation Pain

I meditated about 2 hours ago. I focused breathing in and naturally between the brows there is a tense pressure sensation which actually occurs regardless of meditation. I think meditating made the tenseness more intense due to awareness level.

I tried to do chakra breathing as recommended on KAS1 site. Focus on 6th Chakra was easy since the sensations there are always present so I focused on the base chakra instead there was a lot of pulsing at the soles of my feet. Left foot began to hurt - then I felt a ball at base chakra going up. It was like an actual solid ball moving inside not just an energetic sensation. The ball traveled up to the solar plexus, slowly creeping its way up to the heart chakra where its movement spreaded out - it changed from the form of a ball into something that spread outwards, it was melding within my ribcage.

There has been a sharp pain concentrated in the left leg, nothing serious but I could feel that the pain was just a preview of things to come when I make meditation a daily practice. Note that just a while ago I posted that I cannot meditate - but I can, I made it seem impossible when the truth is I am avoiding the next phase - deep down I know this next phase will be immensely challenging. I am not determined that there will be pain because anything is possible - I just have this feeling.

The Safeties, The Five Tibetan Rites and Stuff I need to do

I haven't really had much of a practice lately - meditation hasn't worked out well, my mind seems to be on a treadmill and I have much difficulty remaining still.

I realize now more than ever I need to learn to prioritize - there is much going on in my life that seems to be taking me away from my practices but I cannot let that intefere. From now on I am practicing the the Five Tibetan Rites (started a few days ago, very easy) and The Safeties. Also doing the Sixth Tibetan Rite when the sexual urges show up.

I don't want to schedule prayer time - rather let that come naturally and it actually does. I tend to find myself praying without intending to do so. Another important aspect is assisting my body to detox thoroughly which I'm doing by changing my diet. I have cut out most of the processed food but have found it challenging due to cravings. I want to include some yogic cleansing methods which include nasal passage cleansing (neti pot), enemas and trataka and carry on with breathing practice which was halted shortly after getting started.

List of what I am to include:

Healthy Eating
5 Tibetan Rites
6th Tibetan Rite - requires celibacy
Prayer
Nasal Cleansing (Neti pot)
Enema
Trataka
Pranayama

Hit By A Car

...well, almost. It was so very close.

I did not really want to include this in a post and have no idea why I'm doing so now, a nagging desire to have it in writing for reasons unknown.

It happened after the Killer Beings experience in September. My youngest sister made me watch something on youtube - it was this really twisted clip of two friends pulling a prank on another friend. The prank doesn't go exactly the way it was intended. The person they pulled the prank ended up running out the house screaming on the road and instantly hit by a car.

I was angry at my sister for showing it to me, I so completely wanted the image erased out of my mind as it left me so disturbed. I've watched plenty of horror movies and nothing has left me as disturbed as that clip had. Deep down I had this feeling this was their way of telling me how I will be aborted - I am referring to the Beings from the Killer Beings experience.

You might at this point think I'm really paranoid, superstitious and just plain mad. I thought so too until about 30 or 40 minutes later I got a glance at the TV, my other sister was watching some spoof comedy. There was a scene - female character on the road not unlike the youtube character, in a heartbeat she is hit by a car, several times. I felt so incredibly sick to my stomach.

I knew I had to be cautious when crossing roads but I thought maybe I'm completely overlooking this - trying to make something out of nothing. Two days later out shopping, having no idea how it happened I almost got hit by a car, a van actually. I was halfway across the road and knew in that instant that if I tried to carry on running the van would surely hit me. So I stopped and the van braked hard immediately just a few inches from where I stood. After an embarrassing glance and deep sigh off I went acting as if nothing major happened.

It reminds me of an incident that occurred in my teens which I have been unable to explain to myself but found a possible explanation from another site (click here to read).

I was about 15 at the time. One day after school headed home, I was at the crossing waiting for the walk sign. All I recall is one minute staring at the light, hearing distant sirens and the next minute the sensation of someone pulling me back. A middle aged woman pulled me back, she asked if I was okay. It took me time to realize what happened. I almost got hit by speeding police cars and every pedestrian present were staring at me as if I was mad, the strange thing was I could not recall crossing the road. I was certain that I did not cross the road. It was like I completely zoned out and whatever moved my body was not me or at least I was not conscious of moving myself.

Knitting Insights

When I knit something begins to happen - I am not talking about a relaxed state of mind but a kind of charge of thoughts revealing something that I get in the moments of knitting but cannot hold onto and later recall.

What I can say for the time being is that knitting, weaving a pattern is synonymous to creation. After creating a big swatch and then unravelling the stitches - this is synonymous to destruction, for some reason I get a wonderful sense of elation during this process. It is interesting because I have found through this process that destruction doesn't mean 'the end' - it is simply a part of a fresh new beginning. I think the physical reality we percieve is weaved in the same way and unravelled in the same manner as knitted stitches, but the thread is always there to be weaved.

Eating Habits and Knitting

Before the K awakening I have to admit I never gave much thought to my diet and nutrition intake, in fact I just ate as I pleased.

Now I give a majority of thought to what I eat, and I am understanding more and more that the health of the physical body determines how much K energy can bring in without manifesting chaos within in the physical body. There are of course other factors that play a role such as mental health. It seems that the key is absolute simplicity in all area of one's life - not just the way someone eats and what they eat, but in everything.

For over a month now I have included sprouts, nuts and salads in my meals - I hope to make it a daily thing. I have been taking 1tbsp of Blackstrap molasses with warm water daily which I believe has helped a lot with the headaches and migraines since these seem completely non-existant now despite there being quite a lot of energy in the head region.

Getting my dependency off cooked food is difficult especially in the winter period with all sorts of craving popping out of nowhere.

Static electricity has been a major shock lately - one morning woke up and wrapped myself with a shawl, then took off only to get zapped seeing the blue sparks perfectly clear in the morning darkness. I knew then that my shawl was made of synthetics not quite agreeable to the physical body infused with K. Static electricity is more common in the winter which is why I have now gotten rid of quite a lot of items - to the point where I'm learning to knit my own cardigans with quality materials - a skill that I was interested in about a year ago but never quite took up, only recently have I mastered it in a matter of a few days. I get this mysterious sense of wonder as I knit which I'll write about in next post.

Kundalini Update

I have updated most of the mental and psychic (experiences of seeing light etc) which are found in most of the experiences I had in october.

The physical sensations do not occur so often - a few minutes usually in random places but mostly in legs and surges in fingers and hands, I still get the spasms in various muscles but mostly in legs.

One of the major symptom lately occured on the day I had 'Brain Antenna' experience. My speech that day was awkward - I would think of words to say and as I say them they come out garbled, just on a few words - the most scary part however was when my thoughts in my mind came at garbled, very unusual to witness and even alarming. I understand words coming out wrong but thoughts coming out wrong? Now that's a thought that scares me.

Ever since researching raw foods and healthy living I have been getting very worried and anxious maybe paranoid knowing so much about nutrition and deficiencies which are common in todays society. Realizing just how sick my previous diet really was has made me very conscious everytime something K happens - sometimes when I get the spasms I wonder what kind of deficiency is causing it and even with the tingles. It seems that everything about the Kundalini is some major detox on all possible levels and not just the physical but it seems that the physical body is what experiences the brunt of the detoxing as it is so sensational.

For a while especially after Realization experience the anxieties and worries had stopped until once again I keep trying to figure out obsessively how to get the physical body supremely fit.

I am now letting go of this paranoia, meaning detaching from the physical body because after all a car is just a car and though it is wise to use only the best fuel so that the car (body) is not neglected I do need to learn to trust the process and allow the body to function without me getting in the way with these absurd worries.

Skull Shifting

I have been keeping a track on the structure of my skull for about 2 months, not everday of course - maybe several days at a time to see if there has been any shift. Today I can feel a very noticeable change - the part that I think is the posterior fontanelle is much wider and partly soft but very much like an indentation something I did not feel previously. Nothing different about the anterior fontanelle but in general my skull feels different. I made sure to compare this part of the skull with two of my sisters skulls and found they did not have this.

I have read that it is common in Kundalini awakenings for fontanelles to become soft.

Brain Antenna and the Third Eye

I woke up at 3:30am - was too awake and so two hours later I stated my intention to AP and asked Divine Forces to assist me.

Relaxing was very difficult - this is the problem with trying too hard. I got comfortable and entertained the prospect that I probably will not AP.

Eventually I hear my sister speak - at first I thought she is in the room next to me until her voice got louder and I figured she was inside my head. I can't recall what she was talking about but I recall it was like some of the ordinary conversations we had and then other voices blend in and I was hearing people I knew and maybe people I cannot recall. I realized at that moment that my brain literally has stored recorded audio and past AP experiences would suggest it is also like a radio that picks up different frequencies and I can listen to all the radio stations. The brain is an antenna. Everything is dark but I'm sensing that I am spinning outwards and sinking downwards only I find myself housed back in the awareness of my physical body with sensations in the head.

There is a sensation at the back of my head - drilling inwards causing a rigorous buzz inside my brain, I feel something working on the brain stem or near that location, possibly the cerebellum. The sensation is also in my forehead it is so intense that my teeth are automatically clenching to cope with the extraordinary stress this sensation is producing. I open my eyes - it's still dark. Closing eyelids something has caught my attention. A sort of irregular ring at the centre of my forehead, composed of melting silver. I open eyes and close again only to see the silver reappear all the while the sensations intensify in head only when I focus on this ring I feel those sensations easy to cope with. I am observing this cell like ring - the melting silver is moving trying to form into something. Almost like it is trying to perfect itself into a kaleidoscope-like pattern. I myself am waiting for the pattern to form and deep down know that the pattern is like the climax of this experience.

I feel this has something to do with the third eye. I'm not sure if what I am observing is the third eye or sight through the third eye. Several times the melted silver is trying to form into something unknown to me. Each time I feel it is so close only it keeps reverting back to the same irregular blobs of silver. Eventually I lose sight of this almost close to losing consciousness, I feel somewhat exhausted and in need of uninterrupted sleep - becoming more focused in the physical body I can still feel brain being worked on but just a slight buzz. I turn to my front side and can feel and hear the mushy sound coming from the area of my brain that was worked on. I had this knowing that I should not make any sudden movements as the brain is still reintegrating - I try to get some sleep instead I end up staying awake but motionless for a long time.

Ausome Water - Delayed Reviews

I took some Ausome water about a week ago for two consecutive days. Each day a few minutes after sipping on 500ml water with 20 drops Ausome water I had a few familiar sensations (tingling etc) which I have been having since K awakening. Each time however there was a distinctive sharp pain near my left knee spreading outwards up and down in left leg.

I feel Ausome water would be a lot more effective with consistent use, however haven't really found enough time to do this so I am taking it whenever I can free up some time.