The Book

Woke about 5ish am 20 minutes later back in bed zoned out. Suddenly found myself in a different location. Standing looking around I knew I was outside in a gigantic patio with white furniture. Everything seemed white, there's a table that has slat like surface. I put my hands to experiment how real this place is. Surprisingly my hand doesn't go through, but I can't feel the sensation of the touch. I keep touching because as I do this I realize my focus gets stronger. Finally I can feel the solidity of the table which excites me. There is a book that grabs my attention, I pick it up and read the title at the same time trying to memorize this name so that when I do wake up I could check if it is something that is published and a part of this physical reality. I can't remember if there was an author's name written as I was too focused on the title. It was something like:

Daria
Darsia
Darlia
Darias

The exact title I can't recall right now as my memory is somewhat hazy. After that I recall walking about - it was quite a grand space filled with different areas. There was a stairway that went up somewhere, there were many pathways. I started exploring but all the details I cannot recall right now. I woke up so utterly groggy at 7:30am with mild headache something that hasn't happened in quite some time. The temperature is too high here in London.

It is quite hard to categorize this experience - I'm not sure the labels matter entirely as they all seem to be related to a persons state of awareness and mental clarity.

The less you have of either one of these the more the experience is just a dream. The more you have of each the more the experience is like what we term reality. This experience was like being in another location, but quite possibly in this world, possibly another world.

The Moth Message

In the kitchen I noticed a large moth making its way in through the window. It was really chunky which wasn't too scary. Flying and resting on the wall the moth began to vibrate, which seemed really creepy to me as I don't think ever seen a moth do that. It flew up towards the ceiling and I didn't think much of it after that thinking it wants to get to the light bulb.

I moved to the sink and as I did it landed on my head which made me flinch (and scream). I had a shawl around me and I think as I flicked it the moth landed on the floor, fortunately unharmed.

Here's what I got regarding moth totem:

"The Moth is a totem of ideas, intuition and sensitivity. The wings, bodies, and legs of the moth are covered with numerous touch hairs and is highly sensitive to vibrations. They can feel, smell, taste and determine temperatures with their feathery antennae and have the ability to perceive everything with clarity. Moth people usually have strong psychic and healing abilities.
They must be careful not to pick up other peoples problems and carry them around in their own energy field. If this happens confusion and irritability can set in. The process of metamorphosis is part of the magic the moth holds. The egg stage symbolizes the birth of an idea. The larvae stage indicates the laying of a foundation. The chrysalis stage represents the process of creating, and the winged stage allows it to take flight and explore new territory. When the moth appears in our life it is a message about sensitivity or insensitivity to those around you."

The highlited text describes exactly what I'm going through at the moment. I later apologized to the moth for my fearful reaction and gave my thanks. I am quite astounded that often when the animal or insect totems show up the message coincides with what is going in my life. Now when I do have any insects or animals show up in a special kind of way, meaning it's not just any random bird that flies across the sky - there has to be some kind of interaction and feelings involved. When I do a simple google search often the very first page I view is the one describing exactly what message I am being given.

I wonder though what do I do with the message. I have this tendency that even though I get the message and intuitively know what I'm meant to do, I just leave it. I completely forget about it. For eg. In this case I know I need to let go of other peoples problems - let them grow and sort out their own mess and no longer carry that burden but it something so difficult to just walk away from and it's even worse to stick around and watch them tackle their problems. I'm like the mother who is not giving an opportunity for her children to grow and get independent (in my case it's my siblings and I'm not even the big sis to some of the siblings that need my assistance).

I think my real problem is that I've always been the problem solver, and I've been doing it mostly for my family members that it had become automatic and now I'm just fed up. My eldest sister once about 3 years ago, had a very vivid dream and had to tell me about it because it was so incredibly real. She told me that in this dream there was a panel of people asking her about all us siblings. One by one my sister would describe each sibling until finally I was the last one. Of course she had good things to say about me and according to her it took a longer time. She said how I was always there helping with everyones problems, always available making time for others, kind and helpful. From my sisters tone of voice I could tell that when it came to me in the dream there was some major emotional charge that it even effected me somehow.

That is actually the first time I realized that I was taking on too many of others problems and it was the first time I really thought about it otherwise I would never have given it a single thought. But I left it as it was did nothing about it. I think now most of my frustration comes from the fact that I have an inability to let others who are in the middle of certain problems to learn to deal with it themselves. I need to stand my ground somehow and get my head around this one. I know that this is also what holds me back from focusing attention and giving my energy to my dreams and aspirations in life. I need to take some initiative in this for the sake of my mental clarity.

UFO Orange Lights

I almost completely forgot to write about this. Last night while in bed looking out through the window I saw this. It was an incredible sight, there were so many.

Next time I so seriously need to get the camera out. It was similar to the amber UFO I witnessed only this time the light was a little brighter - they seemed to move a little faster. The major difference however was that this time it was a group of lights maybe about 8. It is possible that these were chinese lanterns either way very nice to see them in the night sky. Perhaps next time some rainbow coloured lanterns?

Urgent Phone Call

This morning a very vivid dream where I'm answering a phone call and my eldest brother is on the other line. He is speaking but almost as if in a secret kind of code hinting at something. He says 'I have been abandoned' he goes on about moving something out, to get rid of something - the voice gets garbled and I feel like I need to pay better attention. I get the dire sense that he is trapped. The voice does get louder, so much that I hear it as I wake up 5am in my left ear physical reality which shocked me a little.

A Dream about David Wolfe

I dreamt that I was in some kind of field where various kinds of gardening and forestry works were taking place - I just can't recall the exact details of the nature of why I was there other than that David Wolfe was a main character of this dream. He was standing several yards away from me and I instantly recognized him as David Wolfe but not as if it was the first time I was meeting him. He had a more youthful and built look, I am so excited and happy to see him. Suddenly I remember how I joined up for some kind of mailing list online and for some odd reason I went by the name Pete and then after a while I changed it to a girls name. I see David is going through this mailing list and he's pondering the gender of this person having noticed that they changed the name to a feminine name. I sat beside him and informed him that Pete is a girl rather happily giving away the fact that registered member is me. He is always smiling and grinning - I just find his energy so exuberantly positive, it seems not only in reality but even in dreams.

In reality the way I feel about this person is that he obviously has some kind of high energy, every time I read about this person or what he says I feel so uplifted.

The Divine Impregnation

This morning I woke up at 5am. I've had a series of rather bizzare dreams, one dream was about babies again.

About 5:30ish am I decided to converse mentally to with the Source of LIfe/Divine creator/ God whatever label fits best. I sometimes use these labels interchangeably this morning it was 'the Divine'.

My sincerety in this conversation was similar to 'The Kundalini Illusions' experience.

After much thought about my own plans and where I feel guided to I was still unsure regarding the purpose of this lifetime. I am indecisive and though I know where I'm guided to - I mean I've had an amazing upshoot of intuition since last winter. Everything has smoothed into place, but there is still some indecisiveness.

To cut a long story short I said 'Hey God, I don't know what to do - you guide me'

The longer version is that I had a rather long conversation - combination of thoughts and feelings. About all the suffereing and needless pain in the world. I know that humankind has come to a position where it seems to be headed to its own destruction, but that is something that I deduce as I make observations with my own limited senses. I thought I want to be a part of the Divine Plan whatever that is and I could only guess it is to regain balance and harmony of this planet. I decided from that moment that I want to be a vehicle for the Divine to work through me and do what is necessary - nothing else in my life seems to have more meaning right now than the benefit of humankind, this earth.

6 am closed eyes, relaxed. Feeling and sensing breath I zoned out. Suddenly there was a paper with writing in front of me. I begin to read it and remember word 'shrolyge' or something similar on which I paused for a moment. I am reading words made up with letters that are from english alphabet but an entirely foreign language. I continue to read knowing I may figure out what it all means. Until finally there were no writing - I was left with a powerful thought which was 'I am being impregnated by the Divine'. It was both a realization and a message.

My response wasn't one of panic, I remained serenely calm. Suddenly I heard a sound coming from inside within me, a gust of wind and kind of tonal sound. I'm trying to figure out the source of this sound. The sound is within yet so distance. My focus on the sound enhances it and I realize the sound is my own breathing soon regaining more physical awareness. Then I feel my ovaries or fallopian tubes are bulging. I am scared, suddenly I feel I am pregnant and all I know is that I don't want to be. I snapped out with pressure bulging sensation in the same area I felt in that trance like state. I have this undeniable feeling that I'm pregnant if such a thing could even be explained. I panicked a little, dreaded that it could actually be factual. It's only after I have been able to collect my thoughts was I able to make sense of the situation.

That episode ended at 6:15am, I went back to sleep and had a very disturbing sexual dream which made me physically react, I'm barely recovering from it. I simply try not to think about it.

What I have gathererd is that the whole pregnancy situation is symbolic of the Divine being concieved within me and not an actual pregnancy (at least I pray so). Having the sense that I was indeed physically pregnant is really just my own misconception (pun intended). I guess it was the only way I was intellectually able to make sense of it.

Hemi-Sync Update

It's been over two weeks since I stopped listening to The Gateway Experience and practicing tools mostly coz there was just too many stressful situations that needed my attention. I don't think I'll be continuing listening to the tracks anytime soon instead without the audio I might at times practice a few of the tools so that using them becomes easier when I do return to the program.

I kind of predicted something like this would eventually happen, but at least now I am able to focus better on the tools rather than sticking too a strict regime.

Working Out Fears and K Phenomena

I have a lot of fears and I think since the presence of K I've worked on a lot of these fears.

Here are a few:

I had a fear of Spiders but slowly I started to appreciate more and more the significance of such creatures who are a part of this planet earth. I am now able to pick up spiders with long legs (not sure bout tarantulas) - I had a small spider doing a marathon on my finger recently. I would place one index finger over the other and switch over and the small spider ran in a continuous loop not realizing that it was running on the same surface over and over again. I think the spider was more afraid of me then I could ever be afraid of it.

Fear of being Homeless is one fear that I had no idea I had, since my housing situation is secure but then anything could fall apart at any moment. I think this fear is part of a cluster of fears regarding survival issues, has a lot to do with an event in my teens that I will probably save for another post - this has a lot to do with Root Chakra. Now I am not so afraid of ever finding myself in a situation where I am made homeless, because this planet is my home whether I find myself inside a cardboard box or in a cosy home - what does it matter. I think to myself that I am well provided for and that will always be the case and looking around myself I see abundance everywhere.

Fear of not enough money, somewhere, despite that I have the luxury of being able to afford all my bills and more I know there has been this fear of not having enough money. I am learning more and more that money isn't everything. So much that I have questioned a lot my principles on businesses. My drive and motivation for it has always been to become wealthy and successful, now with changing priorities the business has become more of a temporary obligation to someone else - something that I am so desperately tyring to see the end of. People are surving without spending much - there are all kinds of movements now that go to show people can live without money and that money is just a part of a slave like system that diminishes greatly peoples ability to think with a greater capacity. I had a discussion with my sister and like many people she believes that having a lot of money solves a lot of problems - with my new perspective on life I begged to differ and told her that money creates sick, depressed highly stressed out hard working people all for zero return. Her argument was that people need money to survive in this world and she asked me how are people going to get electricity without money. I told her if people do not pay for electricity with money electricity doesn't just suddenly stop working. Besides, the good things in life are free.

So those are a few examples of fears that I've worked through. This morning my dream reflected another fear that I don't think nor ponder much, nor have I really experienced it much but may still be there to some degree and again related to an experience I had as a teen. The dream involved myself travelling a long distance - I'm on a train and suddenly realized I've got on the wrong one. I'm being told it could take 5 hours for me to get home. To make things worse it is very late and the train is near empty. I get off one station and see an old friend and tell her to wait for me coz my oyster strangely seems to be out of credit. I hope that she is waiting because she can help me get home since we live in the same town. The dream continuously escalates to me getting lost - I am so bereft with anxiety I fear that I'm going to eventually forget where I live. In some part of the dream I became aware that I was being shown one of my greatest fears.

Other fears: I'm still deathly afraid of wasps - so much that I have window screens placed around the house.

Chrism has mentioned entities and how they will do things that may startle you. I have experienced the knocks, sometimes these will wake me up in the morning and there's no one at the front door. Recently whilst in the toilet there was a knock on the toilet door but strangely no sign of anyone walking in the hallway where there are hardwood floor and anyone walking there are bound to make some noise since it is creaky.

According to Chrism this really is just K doing a fear test to see what level of fear an individual has for what reason I'm not quite sure yet, maybe to see just what is the safest amount of phenomena we are able to endure. For the most part a lot of the phenomena that I have experienced were really startling. The knock on the door did not scare me but I was curious on the source of this knock.

I have been thinking how the K energy has been silent compared to what I was going through initially. Now I think it's not that K is gone quiet and calmed down, it is obviously still present working in different ways such as reflecting to me my fears and life situations that have been causing some stress shining a light on areas that are being worked on. I think others probably go through something similar to this, where at first the K energy is like a blow to the head with all the phenomena and then suddenly it seems like it has stopped or is in the process of stopping simply because the phenomena dies down. The actual reality is that Kundalini isn't just about the more paranormal type phenomena it has other basis. This has a lot to do with the individual layers of the body. Yesterday I had the phenomena of lights sparking in the field of my vision.

I do wonder though if I were to see a ghost, entity - call it what you may, what would be my reaction? I would probably die on the spot because seeing a ghost, is my all-time number 1 greatest fear, especially seeing it in the waking state and not in the astral.

Abundance of Synchronicities and Lessons

I have had a lot of synchronicities, even prior to the K event. They continue to expand and at times I'm just not sure what to make of them. They happen in so many ways under all kinds of circumstances with a variety of factors.

I can't recall that many simply because there are just too many of these Synchros. One that I do recall though, happened a few days ago. I was talking to my sister just before watching 12:01 movie about how the movies in the 80's and the 90's were so much more fun to watch then the ones released nowadays. I was talking about 'The Goonies' which was one of my fave movie of the 80's and how I so loved watching that. A few hours later I switch the telly on and guess what movie they were broadcasting? Yes, 'The Goonies'.

I told my sister about this and her response was 'Wow I love it when stuff like that happens'. This happens to her too, it happens to everyone but the majority would either think 'Wow' and leave it at that or they would leave it down to 'coincidence' which if you ask me sucks the fun out of everything.

Yesterday on the bus a disabled person who seemed to have mental health problems sat next to me, with his carer moving his big walking aide to one side. I didn't realize at first that he was mentally imbalanced until he wouldn't stop staring into my face with a big Sloth like grin. I suddenly realized he looked like he could be Sloth's brother from 'The Goonies'. I have to admit I did perhaps what anyone would do, I panicked. Didn't want to get off the seat coz I know how impolite that would appear. He tried to talk but his words weren't really words. I held on to my breath, and then had a thought 'Wait a minute, this guy is probably the most harmless person on this bus right now. He has such a big genuine smile, my fear of him is completely irrational.' With that my fear dissolved. I have learnt that fear is always irrational and that its common theme is fear of the unknown - we fear that which we do not know.

Surely these synchros are meaningful to the individual who is having them and only they can identify what it means or the message it holds. I personally do feel there are messages in them. Michael Sharp advocates that these synchros are messages, a form of communication from our spirit guide network. Another is intuition which is a more advanced, more reliable form of communication one that has also heightened for me.

Brain Orgasm

My head was hurting so much yesterday. My right eye and the bone surrounding this area was very painful and I was in the crankiest of mood, easily irritable. I went to sleep early just a little after 9pm listening to Chrism on mp3 player - I don't recall feeling sleepy at all and can't remember how I fell asleep.

I woke up at 12:27am with my mp3 player switched off. I was confused coz I couldn't recall switching it off - it does not switch off by itself unless the entire album is finished. After midnight meal (hungry for emotional reasons I guess) I listened to some more of Chrisms Kundalini dialogues on mp3 player. I don't know if it's his voice or energy but I get this amazing harmonic and peaceful feeling when I listen to his voice, it's like all is well.

Went back to bed after 1am listening to the rest of Chrisms dialogues. Suddenly felt near the right eye where I was feeling pain something smoothing out travelling to the center of my brain. Wave like but distinctive from that, and with that was this near intolerable orgasmic feeling in my brain. I of course liked the sensation and wanted to let it play out. Took my earphones out and did just that but it soon faded - the pain and tension that I was feeling prior to it also faded. I do recall having this brain orgasm once before, this one just felt like a step up.

I think many kundalites who have experienced this describe it as 'blissful sensation in crown area'. The sensation was indeed blissful but at the same time I thought it was taking me up and out of my mind in some ways.

AP Intention Failure

I did try to AP - however I'm just so occupied with so much crap. I just can't seem to relax at all. Neither mentally nor physically.

I've been listening to a lot of advice from Chrism about Kundalini and that is about the only thing calming me right now - I want to start practicing some of what he suggests. I have tried to stick to the safeties before but always found myself forgeting about it, mostly coz of so much other nonsense going on in my life.

Things are clearer and I know where the disruption is but... I feel so utterly and miserably alone in my current circumstances. I wonder nearly all the time that no matter what I do - what is the point? with the few exceptions where I try to hang on to this existence by finding a distraction.

I'm so jumbled up right now I can barely articulate how I really feel.

Intentions For AP

Past few days I have been waking up at the perfect time to attempt AP just after 4 am. I have felt like I could stay awake as there is an alertness but for some reason I would somehow end up just falling asleep without giving a single thought to APing - it doesn't even cross my mind.

I don't exactly go back to sleep, it's more like I just black out. At the same time my dreams are more vivid and some progress in recalling them.

Going to bed now and should I wake up my intention is to AP - I will be using the method of pulling energy to third eye region. Now the trick is to keep reminding myself that my intention is to AP before I black out.

Surrendering and Fasting for Kundalini Progress

Fasting
I have read here that during a certain phase of the Kundalini process there is a need to fast or eat little. I've been doing the complete opposite of eating a little, in fact I've been eating a lot plus lost certain amount of weight which continues to worry me. I think my increase in food intake is due to my concern over the fact that I never get hungry, maybe just once a day and I get full after a small snack. The weight loss could be due to eating low fat and good fat food.

I am obssessing over food in the hope that I get hungry again, one thing I've learnt so clearly though is that my previous hunger for food was to fill up some emotional gap. Now I'm better able to discern what is good for my body and what is bad and taking the initiative to incorporate the good - I guess the only thing that bothers me is the absence of my hunger signals - perhaps it is time to listen to my body more clearly in different ways.

Is this due to the Kundalini - I can't really say though this change in lack of desire for food came since the K progressed. I will be fasting soon but for now I'm going to eat small meals (snacks), watch my energy level. I will be consuming blackstrap molasses and taking a supplement.

I am not really concerned about energy levels, since it has been pretty high. Haven't needed much sleep and when I wake up most of the mornings it's like I never really went to sleep.
Surrendering
Another thing I've realized is that I haven't been surrendering to this K energy. I've been so wrapped up in other developments that I have forgotten I ever had a K awakening. Though I'm still getting signs that it's still there it appears to have slowed, calmed down except for when I relax or sometimes just before sleep. For the most part I haven't been able to relax let alone meditate, I can feel the tension even right stored in upper regions of my body particularly chest (deep breathing is not helping), there is some tremendous tension built up in my head and thoughts are rampant at this stage. I do wonder how is one to surrender when they can't even relax. Perhaps this entire build up of tension is building up because this K energy is trying to break through some blockages.

A few days ago in the afternoon I suddenly felt really sleepy and decided to take a nap. In order to shut my mind I kept repeating how tired and sleepy I was feeling and that I just want to let go of everything. This tired feeling was not physical but a mental exhaustion. My mind cleared, I thought 'yay, I'm gonna sleep now'. In the short few minutes that followed my arms jerked up followed with my entire body and awakening me - about 5 or 10 mins later opened my eyes and just could not believe how suddenly awake I was feeling. One minute your so drowsy, sleepy and the next you are more awake then you've ever been. This could also explain why I'm not needing as much sleep as before which was 7-8 hours now I think I could survive on 4 or 5 hours of sleep. I like the idea of not needing much sleep.

Thinking about Fasting

I will be starting a fast soon, in fact there are few cleansing body detoxing systems I've been looking at. However, for now I'm trying to balance my nutrition intake - which I need to do through my eating habits. Let me tell you, it is pretty hard and in the beginning I tried to rush in completely with a high raw vegan diet because the inspiritation was very high at the time. Now, I think there is this importance to taking small baby steps - my baby steps have been pretty big however I'm taking a few steps back from the vegan route to the vegetarian route.
I seem to have an addiction to cheese.

I think the best thing I could do now is understand my cravings which is something that I've been doing and I've come up with an easy solution. As an example when I tried to understand my craving for fatty food I did research on fats and it's importance and discovered that there are good fats and bad fats - I then started to incorporate a lot of good fats (avocados, nuts, seeds, olive oil) and minimized my bad fat intake (in my case fried food and animal fat). So I found a good replacement for fats. However I think I understand my addiction to cheese having to do with taste rather than it's contents and this is something I'll resolve over time.

Fasting Dream

This morning I had those type of vivid dream that while you're dreaming it's all very real, happening but hard to recall once awake.

What I could retrieve from today's dream is about my recent order for blackstrap molasses to help with my calcium, iron and other essential mineral intake. In the dream I am consuming the molasses, then there is an alert message about fasting. It keeps playing over in my head that I need to fast, I feel like I'm the one who is thinking this thought but it is coming from somewhere else. I wake up and I'm thinking - 'That's it, I need to fast. I need to remember this. I will fast.'

I wake up knowing that I had to fast.