Meeting Spirit - Trust Issues

For over a week I've been suffering from a really bad case of flu and now just recovering. During this period the sex dreams and episodes of extreme sexual urges have been intense. On one occasion I felt myself in that state between asleep and awake, it was vivid and with all the sexual urges I began stripping myself.

I know what the dreams and the urges mean and how it relates to this new energy I feel constantly in my system - there's definitely some deep cleansing, purification going on in the second chakra, but something didn't add up. There was a missing element and I had a deep desire to understand it so I did a whole lot of research on the sexual aspect of Kundalini and found this miracle of a website Kundalini-teacher. There are two articles I read that helped me to connect the dots Lust/Lack and Divine Beloved. I knew that with these crazy dreams some unconscious aspect of me was communicating with me and the craziness was there to get my attention.

Last night I opened up particularly to the male aspect but I wondered what I would say when that part does manifest in some form. An interesting thing happened, I think I witnessed my first UFO sighting last night. I couldn't sleep feeling fidgety, got up. Something outside in the night sky caught my attention. It was a deep amber light and looked like a glimmering twinkling star gliding by unlike any aircraft I've ever seen. Eventually fell asleep.

Woke up at 4am biting, chewing with my teeth as if eating food. My head felt like it would split open, the unconscious chewing explains the headache I've been experiencing past few mornings. After two hours I attempted to relax hoping to get some sleep, a bit hesitant and anxious knowing that sleep and astral activity has been replaced with something completely unpredictable.

I relaxed, still awake staring out the window I noticed something fluttering. A bird, a massive butterfly maybe? I couldn't identify it but it was coming through inside my bedroom, landing somewhere on my bed. There was a tingling all over my face, spreading over my neck. This was new, it felt like pins and needles with a numbing sensation, but more powerful than this sensation was the presence I felt nearby.

I began moving out like some force was carrying me backwards. I caught a glimmer of a tiny shadow being, it was amazing to be so close to it without going straight into shock. It was about 3 or 4 ft tall, I thought it was a child. It was dark so I could only see it's figure and no features. Then I remembered that I wanted to say something, I remembered planning it all night or even my entire life. My only problem was I couldn't remember what it was. I'm standing still amazed by this being but perplexed at my own confusion. A bubbling feeling surged through me and the words came out like a siren 'I love you'.

The being lit up, no longer a dark shadow. It was bathed in a golden bright light, but still hiding under a thick robe, I felt incredible joy. This being was only just beginning to reveal itself. Unfortunately, the joy transmuted to fear when I began thinking it was too much too soon. I closed my eyes, backed away and like a raving lunatic continuously admitted that I couldn't go through with it because I was too afraid. I began panting, my breathing felt irregular. I thought 'There's no place like home' and like Dorothy, in that instant you could say that I was back in Kansas.

I was relieved but also disappointed that I could be afraid of something so beautiful. The fear was irrational. The entire meeting with this being had transpired for 15 minutes. One thing is very clear now, spirit guides, unconscious aspects of your consciousness, whatever label you want to give them they do not make direct connection for a very good reason or they only attempt to do so when they're certain you are ready. Their appearance and presence seems to have the effect of a septic shock. It's either that or I clearly have some trust issues.