Losing Interest

I haven't had any APs, not even brief experiences though I haven't exactly been trying. The SPs have been increasing without any attempt to AP. Waking up around 3 - 5am has become an automatic mechanism and usually I'm stirred awake by intensely dramatic and sometimes horrific dreams. I no longer seem to have the desire to AP.

I've lost interest in continuing the Hemi-Sync Gateway Experience program as well as meditation and the breathing methods that I made a habit of practicing. I have basically lost interest in all result and goal oriented practices - which is basically everything and I have not stopped all of these, I have just completely lost interest in them. For a while now everything just seems so purposeless. On one hand I feel incredibly empty inside and on the other hand I feel like a robot, programmed to feel and act a specific way or ways. I know I'm not depressed, maybe confused yet existence suddenly seems so clear.

With this sudden lack of interest in material and immaterial things I have been experiencing a lot of physical symptoms that suggest some kind of disorder, chaos within the nervous system. However, I don't seem to be bothered by it. My case is if death is guaranteed why do we take every opportunity to fight it?

SP Presence and The Black Bird

Lately instead of APing I seem to be experiencing a lot of SP episodes. This morning during SP I felt like there was someone in the room and in a matter of urgency I willed myself to snap out, because I really felt this presence was physical and intruding. Of course upon regaining full control of my physical apparatus there was nobody next to my door where I had assumed someone was standing watching me.

In another SP I experienced about two days ago there was a black bird on my neighbours roof. It was either a raven or a crow - honestly I can't tell the difference between these two birds. The bird then flew to my open window and landed on the frame. It stared at me intently, I felt like I was the meal of the day. The slats of the blinds were open, it put its head between the slat shimmying through. I panicked and snapped out of the SP.

In another SP which occured last week there was what looked like a seahorse but not quite. It came through my window in a similar way as the raven only I didn't feel panic. To the contrary I was delighted to see it, the creature rested on my right arm and I was able to feel the sensation as if it were occuring on a physical level though I was paralysed. I felt affection for it in the same way one does for a pet.

Hearing Stuff and Ear Crackling

Last night I was startled from sleep at 2am from the sound of a woman screaming. My sister was in the house with her friend so I thought either they were messing around or something was wrong.

I anxiously went to check on them. Sister was asleep and friend had left. I remember the scream was so incredibly loud I actually felt it inside my head. Since everything seemed fine I returned to bed. Within a few seconds of closing my eyes I heard a crackling sound, sounded like a plastic wrapper for sweets. I checked for anything under my neck though I knew there wouldn't be as I don't leave sweet wrappers on my bed but maybe somehow something got there.

There was nothing and even more strange was the fact that I was lying down perfectly still yet the crackling could not have been produced without moving. I listened to the sound intently - much more audible I realized it was coming from inside my ears. I opened my jaw and it crackled a little more.

I'm very aware that this could suggest TMJ but I haven't been experiencing severe pain and the headache is completely gone except for some pressure around frontal bone which moves down to my left temporal bone. The pressure itself is completely painless and tends to feel more like a brain massage.

Acting Out Dreams and Teeth Clenching

This morning I had a nightmare about being chased by something the size of a toddler only it looked horrible and monstrous. It had arms and legs but did not look human, didn't even look like an alien, monster is probably the most fitting description. It looked threatening with it's sharp pointy teeth - it seemed to have no facial features and appeared 2D. I managed to get up on a raised platform. I knew the thing had intentions to attack me. I'm not one to judge a person by the way they look but this thing looked seriously cruel. Having no where to run I kicked and punched it but the creature seemed to have some super strength.

I continued kicking it trying to push it over the platform in the hope that it would fall down and just splat. It was on the edge but quickly grabbed me, I bit hard into the creatures arm at which point I woke up clenching my teeth and quickly stopped it.

A few days ago I had woken up with some pain in my mouth, headache and for two days jaw had clicked briefly in the morning. Also the tissue connecting my cheek on the left side was incredibly sore and after examining it there were a few cuts there which could've only happened from biting in that area.

Bruxism is the medical term for teeth clenching. I read about the causes of this condition and one that was highlighted is stress. Under these circumstances I would say yes I was highly stressed - it's not everyday that I get chased by an unidentifiable and ghastly looking creature. I think in a situation like that anyone would bite for their life.

Drill #3

Woke up at about 4am, after that time it was impossible to sleep.

At 7am tried to get at least an hour of sleep. I almost fell asleep until there was a startling noise of clattering pans. I was not bothered investigating this and just put it down to auditory hallucination because the sound was unusually loud as if it was coming from somewhere in my head.

Closed eyes and slept on my front. Within a few seconds I was alarmed by an impact on the back of my head but with that all too familiar drill sound that I have heard and felt twice before (Drill #1, Drill #2). The buzzing was mild at first and I decided that instead of fighting it to just observe every sensation, record every detail. As I continued to observe I noticed that everything about it increments in intensity, it gets deeper, louder and much more unbearable. There was no pain, just that feeling you get when someone scratches a blackboard only a lot worse.

I opened my eyes to see if it, whatever 'it' was would continue. It did and I guess I was surprised because I was still physically fully awake. I could see my arms stretched out, was able to move but didn't want to make any sudden movements. Seconds later it felt as if the drill bit had now got to the surface of my brain. My left arm, hand and fingers started to twitch followed by the right arm. At that point it was becoming completely unbearable, the twitching was easy to deal with and I knew it had to do with that thing getting deeper in my brain. The only part of it I could not endure was the intense sensation I felt upon impact which was increasing.

I turned around to rest on my back, the sensation lasted a minute or so before it began to dissipate into tiny vibrations, fizzing away. Ended at 7:45am.

Left Brain Gets an Electric Shock

Last night as I closed my eyes getting ready for sleep the middle of my forehead tensed up and there was an intense pressure like something was ready to pop out (third eye maybe? lol). A few seconds later the hair on the left part of my head felt like it was moving - this is the second time I've had this feeling. Felt like fingers running through my hair only they were incredibly light. I remember the first time it happened some months ago I was scared thinking I was probably being haunted by some entity.

This time I didn't think much of it. There were tiny vibrations on my scalp, tingling like sensation. Then a tremor in the left side of my brain with electric like sensations and I felt something burst inside. There was no pain but you'd think that with an explosion like that I should feel some pain. To be more precise it felt like something was trying to come out from the left side of my brain. This is quite enough to send anyone into shock, I wanted to really sleep and was not so bothered with these weird sensations feeling very little concern over them. Tried to go to sleep despite the sensations which were gradually dissipating but soon my arms snapped out in a jolt. Soon after fell asleep. The strange part of this was that I was completely awake and not in that state where I'm accustomed to the weird, strange and unexplainable.

I did a search on electric sensations in the brain and there's quite a lot of people who experience this with a majority of people feeling it in the left part of the brain.

Light Beam

Awakened at 4:30am from a disturbing dream about a mafia group in some sort of covert operation (very movie like), eventually went back to sleep and found myself floating in the darkness.

Became aware of being in bed again in the SP state. At the middle of my room which was dark there was a beam of light. Tried getting up to investigate the light on which my eyes were locked, I couldn't move my gaze. Forced myself to turn sideways and once I finally broke the SP spell the light beam swiftly moved out the window. When I opened my eyes the sun had come out, my room bright unlike the darkness that was before it.

Panic Attacks

Not sure how this even relates to AP but I'll put it here because it's just as bizarre and mysterious.

Last night got to bed at 11pm, woke up just 30 minutes later in an unusual manner, gasping for air and rapid heart beat and a weird feeling of having escaped something dreadful.

I closed my eyes again fell asleep and the panic attack repeated, could not recall what it was that caused it.

It happened a third time at which point I was too groggy but had enough energy for paranoid thoughts. Ordinary sounds were so loud my eardrums felt like they would explode.