September 30, 2009

Losing Interest

I haven't had any APs, not even brief experiences though I haven't exactly been trying. The SPs have been increasing without any attempt to AP. Waking up around 3 - 5am has become an automatic mechanism and usually I'm stirred awake by intensely dramatic and sometimes horrific dreams. I no longer seem to have the desire to AP.

I've lost interest in continuing the Hemi-Sync Gateway Experience program as well as meditation and the breathing methods that I made a habit of practicing. I have basically lost interest in all result and goal oriented practices - which is basically everything and I have not stopped all of these, I have just completely lost interest in them. For a while now everything just seems so purposeless. On one hand I feel incredibly empty inside and on the other hand I feel like a robot, programmed to feel and act a specific way or ways. I know I'm not depressed, maybe confused yet existence suddenly seems so clear.

With this sudden lack of interest in material and immaterial things I have been experiencing a lot of physical symptoms that suggest some kind of disorder, chaos within the nervous system. However, I don't seem to be bothered by it. My case is if death is guaranteed why do we take every opportunity to fight it?

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