April 18, 2013

Meditating on Motions

It seems that over time meditation has become increasingly difficult. I am unable to relax physically and mentally. Today on impulse I attempted a session. This time I closed the blinds to darken the room - maybe in some failed attempts the lighting may have caused some issues, but then I would like to be able to meditate in most conditions.

I could not relax my mind and meditation cannot be forced. Let go of any controlling, allowing thoughts to play out. Focused on my breathing which was not really helping. Remained still, head was rotating as usual - I let this play out completely concentrating on the motions. Felt like something moving inside the brain, a pressure. I eventually lost consciousness and opened eyes from some major heaviness in the head. Looked at the clock 15 minutes had passed although it felt much longer. There were the familiar leg tinglings, spine rattling which felt like little creatures having a really good time. This was followed by heightened sexual feelings, I wonder whether this has to do with trying to awaken or giving permission for divine feminine to make its presence known.

I intend to at least try to meditate every day for however long I can sustain with no end goal in mind or I just may have to give in to the motions as it is something I have been neglecting. The motions are not always the same - sometimes it takes place with the whole body but most of the time it is pronounced in the head. Like right now as I write this it is side to side, sometimes it has a pleasant swaying motion but usually it's rotating. This morning there was crackling sounds with jaw movements suggesting that last night something had taken place.

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