October 28, 2011

Breast Cancer - Impending Death

Last night slept late with engrossed deeply with my new projects.

I dreamt that I was with my eldest sister at some gathering. Sister is telling me something about a diagnosis and I felt like she said forklift back problems and had an image in mind what that would be like.

Once again I ask her about this condition in the middle of another meeting. I ask her again thinking the condition is not so serious only this time she replies that she has breast cancer. I am in shock but at the same time thinking of ways to cure her. Initial phase seems to be to get her to completely change her diet which is something I have been trying in reality for the past year since I started my own journey in regaining vitality.

The dream itself felt so real I woke up still concerned feeling that this was no ordinary dream, a prediction perhaps of what may happen.

Recently news passed on to me of a young woman I had known in the early years who is currently going for chemotherapy. With myself several days prior to the initial Kundalini experience I had an alarming episode where something lumpy in my breast was causing a great amount of pain. After checking I had decided it was definitely a sign of cancer and almost immediately the fear of death plagued my consciousness. I was close to booking an emergency appointment and then a thought came to me 'I have cancer and I am going to die, but people die everyday, I have to eventually die some day - so why worry about the inevitable.'

From then on I accepted my fate, and the fate of all those around me. It was also around this time that the world around me felt like an illusion. After the Kundalini flinging me in all kinds of direction I have developed a 'healthy body' fetish and the two characters now so contrasting, one completely fearless of dying and the other with a deep urgency trying to preserve that which is destined to come to an end.

With the Salvia experiences I have reached a level parallel to most of what I've read in spiritual materials from the likes of Sri Ramana Maharishi and Krishnamurti. Regarding the physical body what I have learnt through Salvia is that it is consisted of individual beings in their individual space and the beings have a reality ad infinitum, and we on the earthly realm are housed in tiny fragments of realities that make up realities far greater than what we can envision with our conditioned minds.

Going into that state of mind I am aware that the mastermind behind my life is my own self - that I am the one who came up with the entire plot from simple movements to the complex details. This comes as a realization, and the thought is usually 'how did I manage to fool myself'. Other times I felt like laughing in the face of death, a set up, a joke we play on ourselves simply because importance has been associated between the Self and the physical body - the latter being the shell for the Self and yet the Self the container.

I have to wonder what is it that makes me forget that - I know it intellectually now but not really know it, at least not convincingly. Some call it the veil between two worlds, personally I feel it is the veil between the two aspects of the same world.

Returning to the mundane world within a day or two settling back in to physical reality I easily forget, the role I am playing sucks me back in and once again engrossed in all the details.

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