Cardiac Ward

Dream

I am in the hospital, one of my brother has been admitted for a cardiac procedure. I recall being in a similar ward when I had to go with my dad for his angioplasty, this time I sense brother is having same procedure. He has eaten a piece of bread forgetting that food was not allowed until after the procedure. And for the next few moments I stress about this, thinking maybe we shouldn't tell the doctors.

To my right there is another bed with a woman lying down next to a very frail fragile looking skinny man. I gather the man is her father. He has a very Indian look although Caucasian. She tells me about him, how he is vegetarian and very spiritual. I feel the urge to put my palms together and greet him with a namaste. He has a heart condition and in my awareness is filled with the ideas that fatty foods can be lethal for skinny people and that somehow applies to me. Although I have been eating healthier fats I need to seriously cut down on the dose. On very rare family occasions I spiral downwards and end up doing a lot of emotional eating ven reaching out for bad fats.
Lately my appetite has increased so much and I feel it may be due to some kind of stress. I have been feeling low and I need to try to understand why and just get to the bottom of it.

Rib Pain and In the Song

Last night did a quick nasal cleanse with neti pot and had an unusual craving for cheese and pickled onions which was bad because the pickles had preservatives that I am trying to avoid seeing it in the refrigerator triggered craving, maybe even feeling a bit down. A short while later I had the most incredible pain around reproductive organs and more lower down, felt like everything inside was being twisted. Off to bed I went at around 11. I am in the SP state and it is dark but I think its early morning as they are more common during those hours. I panic lifting my right arm, I can see the movement in right hand and fingers as I try to get attention from a family member whom I see in the room. At one point I feel they have approached me. I'm amazed right now as I look back how afraid I felt being in that state, perhpas because it has been a long time and now to suddenly be in that state was a bit of a shock. The feeling of presence lingering nearby did not help. I was making weird crying sounds, I was delirious and when I felt sister approaching I wished she hadn't realizing the state would pass and was making myself look like an idiot.

Something else was there, there was a plunge in the chest and my ribs hurt as if they were being pulled apart. I begged them to stop, the pain was too much. Soon lost awareness of pain and ended up being sucked in deep in a kind of music world. In this music arena I was being sung through, I can't remember the words but I remember trying to put in some of my input which actually was spoiling the original song. Cannot recall words clearly but it was definitely a hindi song. Suddenly eyes opened, gasped for some air and I was in my bed. I thought it might be about 4 or 5am, was a little shocked when the phone showed 1:50 am. I was even more surprised with my attitude in the experience. I guess it wasn't so much the fear but the sudden shock of the experience. These types of experiences have not happened for quite some time. Perhaps the pain around the chest in the ribs is a sign of things to come.

The other day when communicating with the 'other' energy I gave permission for a clearer opening pretty much asking whether I could be in the background and just go to sleep while it was in the foreground which might have been incredibly dumb of me. At the time I was exhuasted, fed up of existence.

I do feel though whatever is there has no intention of causing harm and pretty much leave it at that until I feel otherwise.

Back to sleep with endless frames of vivid almost lucid dreams. Tailbone thumping with greater force, sexual arousals have once again amped up. In the morning the pain around reproductive organs disappeared.

The Shadow in the Body

Woke up around 3ish am, feeling rejuvinated but annoyed and concerned over something that may seem petty now and it was on my mind all night.

Had UT drink, I was surprised to see almost an entire glass filled up. Too much energy after that and I guess I was wasting it on feeling angry and playing out scenarios in my head. Went back to bed in a dreaded state thinking sleep may never arrive and end the misery.

Eventually around 6 am did start to relax. Head vibrations, orgasmic electric sensation near third eye region. Eyes closed all black but there was the sense of transitioning. As I attempted to open eyes they felt tight and heavy. Room was different - trying to recall how everything was and I realized that my bed and the body on it was shifted to the right side of the room. Soon I noticed that it wasn't the change in the room but somewhere in the brain, the changes were made to eyes so that it sees differently according to whatever pattern whoever or whatever was occupying had assumed within the body. I sensed this other there. I lifted arms and they were interchanging between physical body to a silhoutte body, shadow like. It was wrapping itself with the physical body. I felt it to be seperate individual yet a part of the body. The shadow seems to have more control than in other times.

Sensing other beings in the edges of the room. No major fear present, in fact I was curious and interested. Other things happening within or through the brain. It was tuning into music, calming and melodious. Some singing but can't remember words. Listening to music like this is so amazing, to not just hear it by external means but to be a part of it, whole and complete.

There were some sexual arousal taking place. Soon enough I just wanted to sleep feeling exhausted from this event. Had to get up 7:30am but really needed the extra sleep. Strangely though after this time when I got up I was not tired but now feeling maybe an hour or so of napping or just relaxing is all I need to feel balanced.

Earlier asked 'it' which I think I should perhaps refer to as some kind of energy whether it was behind this incident, answers were basically lots of head swaying and rotating movements. The feeling of being pumped with helium is intensifying - mostly in the head and it feels like it can detach at anytime and float away. Body constantly bouncing with this air.

Girl Cliff Hanging

Yesterday I asked that being, presence ( still not sure what to call it ) to come through in the dreams.

The dream was incredibly vivid, very life like. There is a girl in red with her parents near a cliff. The girl is at the edge, she says  'Daddy I'm gonna jump'.

She jumps, her parents in shock looking down stretching arms down trying or hoping they can save her. The girl is floating with the pull of the wind much like a leaf. She hangs on to the rocky parts. Her movements are swift. As I watch this I think 'What a clever little girl'. I'm astounded how carefully she holds onto the rocks, moving along swiftly without fear. She finally sits in a small cave area waiting for her parents to get to her, when they finally do I notice above this cave are other cave with pointed icicle shaped rocks hanging down. Danger was imminent. But deep behind the icicles, hiding and lurking in the dark was what I percieved as a serial killer. I woke up, brain vibrating, physically actually shaking about inside. My body was lifted or it was doing something but being aware of it it was put back to a normal position.

Something was definitely occuring within the body, not sure what. At first glance the dream seems to be saying 'there's something sinister lurking in the dark'. However not sure the dream has any significance, could have simply been placed there to initiate fear response.

I am however more concerned about the effect this is all taking on the physical body, I think that at the moment that these vivid fear inducing dreams take place something happens to the physical body, either it reacts or is cleansing something deeper?

I have asked questions regarding the dream and answers are confusing - head swaying, rotating or stretching back - so no straight forward yes or no.

Open for Communication

Monday afternoon I sat down in front of the mirror allowing the swaying of the head and other involuntary movements. A thought occured 'Why don't I try to question this movement?'

As I thought this body was silencing. I asked whatever presence was there whether it was open to communication, there was a nod in the affirmative. It was very slow almost as if 'it' was trying to be as gentle as possible. I continued asking yes and no questions. The following questions were not asked in the order that they are written and not all questions are included.


Are you good? Yes
Are you evil? No
Are you within the body? Head spins
Do you have control over the body? Yes
Do you have complete control over the body? No
Have you always been here? No
Are you a discarnate spirit? Yes
Do you have good intentions? Yes
Are you beloved? Yes
Are you male?Yes
Are you female? No
In what country did you have your physical existence? (skimming around continents until nodded in affirmative for somewhere in South Asia.
Are the physical movements part of a healing process? Yes
Are you telling me what I want to hear? No
Can I write about you on my blog? No - this question was asked several times until finally I got a yes.

Sensing some confusions over some answers I asked if there were more than one  - the answer was yes.

Briefly when I sat quiet with no questions, my head was leaning forward ever so slowly and carefully watching over the chair looking down at the carpet. It felt like whatever this was was getting comfortable.

Can you see through the physical eyes? Yes
Can I trust you? Yes
Can you manipulate my dreams and come through them? Yes

Sitting there asking so many questions I felt this being knew too much about me and also I gathered that it liked all that I liked and disliked all that I disliked, what if I was simply talking to myself, or some unconscious part that had awakened.

Are you me? Head spins - and for other questions the head would rotate a new response - not yet certain. It could mean 'I don't know', 'I can't say' or still simply gathering answer.
Are you aware of Him ( referring to that most powerful dangerous presence in whose embrace in one incident I almost completely dissolved physical reality and was so close to something far beyond unknown ) ? Yes
Do you know Him? I can't recall the answer
Did He send you? No
Is He here? No - this answer confused me as I expected a yes
Each time that I thought of The Presence and even now as I relay this , eyes swell up with tears and a massive knot forms in the throat.

Left cheek muscles would tingle and there were some pressure there and sense of being touched was there. I asked if it wanted to play and got a yes.

I stopped session and went downstairs for a bit where my brothers annoying cat would go on meowing as she always does. In the bathroom I asked whether 'it' liked the cat, got a 'no' to which I replied 'Good, coz neither do I, but of course you already knew that.'

Do you know the nature of reality? Yes
Can you share it with me?  Head Spin
My questions seem unimportant, completely irrelevant.

At times my head would go back bending my neck, an indication to lie down. Tried meditating but I simply end up getting lost in an array of thoughts or if I'm lucky brief few minutes nap which are more like blanking out for brief moments.

Night times have been pretty difficult for me lately and I gather what is occuring at this stage is parasite die off - extreme amounts of pinworm exit I mean it is like something out of a horror movie. I am almost completely certain this is a die off and other things are coming out  (sorry for being too graphic), as in the past I have had pinworm symptoms ( itchiness, chronic fatigue, mood swings etc) just had no idea that I had pinworms. Sometimes the moodiness had heightened lately but in general I do not get tired however most times I just don't feel like doing anything - doing nothing feels peaceful for the body at times. Also I get drawn to specific types of food, recently I was drawn to papaya started reading about the fruit and found that it is cleansing so started taking fruit and seeds for 5 days and on first day I saw some red tomato skin looking things come out but have not eaten tomatoes in ages - I read that it could be liver flukes.

As for personality, it would seem I am a host to all kinds of parasites as well as all kinds of qualities but lately I have been changing in ways that as I observe how I am and compare to how I was one would think my power chakra was overactive. Already I have been called bossy since this change and I have even noticed I can be controlling. I've dialled it down a bit, not getting too involved with others since that is when problems arise. It feels that those around me were attached to me through metaphoric chains and everytime they tug, it causes me harm - seeing this I snapped each chain off. I only seem to have one mantra now 'Me, me, me, me' or 'I, I, I' depending on whatever I'm in the mood for. I never take shit from others as I once did, and previously I would be concerned with others wellbeing guiding them, trying to help especially those around me and now...

I have been thinking that there is one word that can describe every quality that makes up what one might call my personality or my character: carefree.

SP experience, Latest Dreams, Body Detox

The Shadow Legs and Morphed Room
Woke up yesterday morning in a somewhat SP kind of state. Suddenly physical legs fly up and connect with shadow black legs. Concerned, I had this feeling of being 'occupied' by another. This other, being or entity was now having any experience I would be having. I was afraid that this other can now control my movement. The feeling is faintly still here as I type. It is not eerie but I just know something is there. After shadow connected with what seemed physical body awareness snapped into room only I knew legs were under duvet so there was no way it sprinted up and I felt perhaps happened was my imagination. It happened one more time and the feeling of a presence nearby was there. Room morphed back and forth.

The Bee /Wasp
This morning had an interesting dream - these interesting dreams are waking me up lately, now I wake around 4-5 am. In the dream I am walking down the stairs and a bee or a wasp lands on my bare leg. My brother is at the bottom of the stairs and I could sense he wants to smack it dead. I raise my arms warning him not to as it would sting me, however I start to sense a sinister vibe coming from him as if his intention is so that it stings me.

I woke up suddenly at 4:30am hearing a loud knock feeling a tad bit scared of the dark. If someone had indeed knocked that loud someone else would also have heard it.
 The other day in physical reality I was in the garden and a yellow jacket landed on my leg. It tickled as it started to wriggle its legs. I stood still mostly because I didn't want to scare it, amazed at the little creature and was astonished that I didn't jump or scream, normally these critters scare the life out of me. Perhaps spending time out in nature and in the garden is making me comfortable around any living creatures.

Detox of Body
I think I am having those anxiety issues again, this is the only way that I can translate these phenomenas (eg. loud knocking, lights etc) whereas before when they first occured it was all rather mystical. However now I see clearly that these phenomenas have to do with body detox, the only evidence I have are anecdotes from those who go through raw food diet and eventually have these mystical experiences. Obviously it eventually happens to others who meditate regularly. I have read of an account regarding involuntary movements, will link to it if I find it. This person had meditated regularly, eventually in one meditation the body started to move involuntarily, sometimes swaying and eventually making specific controlled movements. The person was convinced that the body was healing itself. I too am convinced that this physical body is going through the same process. Some inherent ability where the body itself is awake and functions according to the needs of the body. In my case I am still somewhat stressed out and need to relax. I know deep down I cannot do that unless outwardly I make some changes and the changes that I make are very likely to effect others. Krishnamurti gave importance to the inward transformation, and I wonder can I do that whilst living chaotically outwardly as I am now and be in peace and harmony without changing the outward?

Nightmares and Bodily Changes

Family gatherings make me physically and emotionally drained, fortunately it is not as bad as it used to be due to some changes. Generally I don't do too well in a crowded environment. I don't think it has to do with the number of people I am around but the kind of people I am around. I wonder maybe it is that I have become far too sensitive that with this new found sensitivity I am seeing too deeply into others around me and often I allow it to influence certain emotions. Due to recent stress I have given into bad eating habits. I feel this stress may never end - the same stress in a different guise will eventually apear.

For a while I have had copious amounts of pinworms appearing suddenly and according to what I read about detoxing, sudden onset of pinworm activity is often a sign of parasite die off. They also look to be getting weaker. Lately I feel something has been stuck in my throat and many times I have awoken middle of the night feeling as though I choked in my sleep. My sister has told me that last night she heard me snore which is something that stopped for a long time until recently when I actually heard myself snore. Also she heard me chewing as though I were eating make sucking sounds and warned me that maybe I'm doing that 'teeth grinding' thing I do in my sleep but I think it may be something a little different - only the body at this stage knows what its doing. A tooth pains in the back when chewing food which may be from experimenting eating mahonias - bad idea some were too sour and one actually caused a bad reaction I thought my teeth were just about to fall out. The pain is slowly wearing off. Just to be on the safe side I need to start wearing mouth guard.

The body still moves involuntarily and I have given it some more time to carry out the movements. At the moment movement is focused on head region and neck area - sometimes body wants to arch backwards and when the arching is too far back my neck and spine hurt - I never allow the movement to force or push itself to the point where I feel some damage can occur. The head swaying is pleasant and sometimes there is a rush of sensational passionate feelings. Last night before I went to sleep the pressure was on the physical body, there was a throbbing and the entire feeling was of two bodies connecting. Did not let the sexual intensity take over, observed and somehow fell asleep.


Resident Evil Boss Nightmare
Last night I had a dream where I was in a resident evil game, me and another player are killing a boss - the giant boss is walking towards us around a circular platform with slow but long scary strides and I recall pointing the gun at the boss but the damage is minimal. There is a car that at times seems to be circling around us and I get the thought 'I have to shoot the car and cause an explosion as soon as the boss is in close proximity.' Something goes wrong and the burning car is flung at me and the other player and I know it is about to be game over but there's no fear - I know there's gonna be another round. It was at this point I woke up. Still dark out, I felt the time might be 4 or 5 am but it was just after midnight.

Shocking Cat Nightmare
Lately nightmarish dreams are very vivid and I wake from them at this time. In another nightmare I recall  being in some kind of maze with walls and ceilings. Felt trapped. My brothers cat is running around this maze, it looked scary and very disturbing almost as if it were electrocuted some kind of grusomeness forming from cat targeting me. I also had someone in my arms, recollection of this is hazy but it was either my eldest sister who was here for the hols or my nephew. I was holding the person trying to soothe and comfort all the while myself suffering the shock from the beastly cat. I had this feeling of being some kind of compartment, that my body was mechanical and it needed to go through a certain mechanical operation and I was dreading it. The two people in the dream whether it was my sister or nephew may be symbolic of stress because that is their current condition in physical waking life.