The Book

Woke about 5ish am 20 minutes later back in bed zoned out. Suddenly found myself in a different location. Standing looking around I knew I was outside in a gigantic patio with white furniture. Everything seemed white, there's a table that has slat like surface. I put my hands to experiment how real this place is. Surprisingly my hand doesn't go through, but I can't feel the sensation of the touch. I keep touching because as I do this I realize my focus gets stronger. Finally I can feel the solidity of the table which excites me. There is a book that grabs my attention, I pick it up and read the title at the same time trying to memorize this name so that when I do wake up I could check if it is something that is published and a part of this physical reality. I can't remember if there was an author's name written as I was too focused on the title. It was something like:

Daria
Darsia
Darlia
Darias

The exact title I can't recall right now as my memory is somewhat hazy. After that I recall walking about - it was quite a grand space filled with different areas. There was a stairway that went up somewhere, there were many pathways. I started exploring but all the details I cannot recall right now. I woke up so utterly groggy at 7:30am with mild headache something that hasn't happened in quite some time. The temperature is too high here in London.

It is quite hard to categorize this experience - I'm not sure the labels matter entirely as they all seem to be related to a persons state of awareness and mental clarity.

The less you have of either one of these the more the experience is just a dream. The more you have of each the more the experience is like what we term reality. This experience was like being in another location, but quite possibly in this world, possibly another world.

The Moth Message

In the kitchen I noticed a large moth making its way in through the window. It was really chunky which wasn't too scary. Flying and resting on the wall the moth began to vibrate, which seemed really creepy to me as I don't think ever seen a moth do that. It flew up towards the ceiling and I didn't think much of it after that thinking it wants to get to the light bulb.

I moved to the sink and as I did it landed on my head which made me flinch (and scream). I had a shawl around me and I think as I flicked it the moth landed on the floor, fortunately unharmed.

Here's what I got regarding moth totem:

"The Moth is a totem of ideas, intuition and sensitivity. The wings, bodies, and legs of the moth are covered with numerous touch hairs and is highly sensitive to vibrations. They can feel, smell, taste and determine temperatures with their feathery antennae and have the ability to perceive everything with clarity. Moth people usually have strong psychic and healing abilities.
They must be careful not to pick up other peoples problems and carry them around in their own energy field. If this happens confusion and irritability can set in. The process of metamorphosis is part of the magic the moth holds. The egg stage symbolizes the birth of an idea. The larvae stage indicates the laying of a foundation. The chrysalis stage represents the process of creating, and the winged stage allows it to take flight and explore new territory. When the moth appears in our life it is a message about sensitivity or insensitivity to those around you."

The highlited text describes exactly what I'm going through at the moment. I later apologized to the moth for my fearful reaction and gave my thanks. I am quite astounded that often when the animal or insect totems show up the message coincides with what is going in my life. Now when I do have any insects or animals show up in a special kind of way, meaning it's not just any random bird that flies across the sky - there has to be some kind of interaction and feelings involved. When I do a simple google search often the very first page I view is the one describing exactly what message I am being given.

I wonder though what do I do with the message. I have this tendency that even though I get the message and intuitively know what I'm meant to do, I just leave it. I completely forget about it. For eg. In this case I know I need to let go of other peoples problems - let them grow and sort out their own mess and no longer carry that burden but it something so difficult to just walk away from and it's even worse to stick around and watch them tackle their problems. I'm like the mother who is not giving an opportunity for her children to grow and get independent (in my case it's my siblings and I'm not even the big sis to some of the siblings that need my assistance).

I think my real problem is that I've always been the problem solver, and I've been doing it mostly for my family members that it had become automatic and now I'm just fed up. My eldest sister once about 3 years ago, had a very vivid dream and had to tell me about it because it was so incredibly real. She told me that in this dream there was a panel of people asking her about all us siblings. One by one my sister would describe each sibling until finally I was the last one. Of course she had good things to say about me and according to her it took a longer time. She said how I was always there helping with everyones problems, always available making time for others, kind and helpful. From my sisters tone of voice I could tell that when it came to me in the dream there was some major emotional charge that it even effected me somehow.

That is actually the first time I realized that I was taking on too many of others problems and it was the first time I really thought about it otherwise I would never have given it a single thought. But I left it as it was did nothing about it. I think now most of my frustration comes from the fact that I have an inability to let others who are in the middle of certain problems to learn to deal with it themselves. I need to stand my ground somehow and get my head around this one. I know that this is also what holds me back from focusing attention and giving my energy to my dreams and aspirations in life. I need to take some initiative in this for the sake of my mental clarity.

UFO Orange Lights

I almost completely forgot to write about this. Last night while in bed looking out through the window I saw this. It was an incredible sight, there were so many.

Next time I so seriously need to get the camera out. It was similar to the amber UFO I witnessed only this time the light was a little brighter - they seemed to move a little faster. The major difference however was that this time it was a group of lights maybe about 8. It is possible that these were chinese lanterns either way very nice to see them in the night sky. Perhaps next time some rainbow coloured lanterns?

Urgent Phone Call

This morning a very vivid dream where I'm answering a phone call and my eldest brother is on the other line. He is speaking but almost as if in a secret kind of code hinting at something. He says 'I have been abandoned' he goes on about moving something out, to get rid of something - the voice gets garbled and I feel like I need to pay better attention. I get the dire sense that he is trapped. The voice does get louder, so much that I hear it as I wake up 5am in my left ear physical reality which shocked me a little.

A Dream about David Wolfe

I dreamt that I was in some kind of field where various kinds of gardening and forestry works were taking place - I just can't recall the exact details of the nature of why I was there other than that David Wolfe was a main character of this dream. He was standing several yards away from me and I instantly recognized him as David Wolfe but not as if it was the first time I was meeting him. He had a more youthful and built look, I am so excited and happy to see him. Suddenly I remember how I joined up for some kind of mailing list online and for some odd reason I went by the name Pete and then after a while I changed it to a girls name. I see David is going through this mailing list and he's pondering the gender of this person having noticed that they changed the name to a feminine name. I sat beside him and informed him that Pete is a girl rather happily giving away the fact that registered member is me. He is always smiling and grinning - I just find his energy so exuberantly positive, it seems not only in reality but even in dreams.

In reality the way I feel about this person is that he obviously has some kind of high energy, every time I read about this person or what he says I feel so uplifted.

The Divine Impregnation

This morning I woke up at 5am. I've had a series of rather bizzare dreams, one dream was about babies again.

About 5:30ish am I decided to converse mentally to with the Source of LIfe/Divine creator/ God whatever label fits best. I sometimes use these labels interchangeably this morning it was 'the Divine'.

My sincerety in this conversation was similar to 'The Kundalini Illusions' experience.

After much thought about my own plans and where I feel guided to I was still unsure regarding the purpose of this lifetime. I am indecisive and though I know where I'm guided to - I mean I've had an amazing upshoot of intuition since last winter. Everything has smoothed into place, but there is still some indecisiveness.

To cut a long story short I said 'Hey God, I don't know what to do - you guide me'

The longer version is that I had a rather long conversation - combination of thoughts and feelings. About all the suffereing and needless pain in the world. I know that humankind has come to a position where it seems to be headed to its own destruction, but that is something that I deduce as I make observations with my own limited senses. I thought I want to be a part of the Divine Plan whatever that is and I could only guess it is to regain balance and harmony of this planet. I decided from that moment that I want to be a vehicle for the Divine to work through me and do what is necessary - nothing else in my life seems to have more meaning right now than the benefit of humankind, this earth.

6 am closed eyes, relaxed. Feeling and sensing breath I zoned out. Suddenly there was a paper with writing in front of me. I begin to read it and remember word 'shrolyge' or something similar on which I paused for a moment. I am reading words made up with letters that are from english alphabet but an entirely foreign language. I continue to read knowing I may figure out what it all means. Until finally there were no writing - I was left with a powerful thought which was 'I am being impregnated by the Divine'. It was both a realization and a message.

My response wasn't one of panic, I remained serenely calm. Suddenly I heard a sound coming from inside within me, a gust of wind and kind of tonal sound. I'm trying to figure out the source of this sound. The sound is within yet so distance. My focus on the sound enhances it and I realize the sound is my own breathing soon regaining more physical awareness. Then I feel my ovaries or fallopian tubes are bulging. I am scared, suddenly I feel I am pregnant and all I know is that I don't want to be. I snapped out with pressure bulging sensation in the same area I felt in that trance like state. I have this undeniable feeling that I'm pregnant if such a thing could even be explained. I panicked a little, dreaded that it could actually be factual. It's only after I have been able to collect my thoughts was I able to make sense of the situation.

That episode ended at 6:15am, I went back to sleep and had a very disturbing sexual dream which made me physically react, I'm barely recovering from it. I simply try not to think about it.

What I have gathererd is that the whole pregnancy situation is symbolic of the Divine being concieved within me and not an actual pregnancy (at least I pray so). Having the sense that I was indeed physically pregnant is really just my own misconception (pun intended). I guess it was the only way I was intellectually able to make sense of it.

Hemi-Sync Update

It's been over two weeks since I stopped listening to The Gateway Experience and practicing tools mostly coz there was just too many stressful situations that needed my attention. I don't think I'll be continuing listening to the tracks anytime soon instead without the audio I might at times practice a few of the tools so that using them becomes easier when I do return to the program.

I kind of predicted something like this would eventually happen, but at least now I am able to focus better on the tools rather than sticking too a strict regime.